Introducing Biblical Manhood

• Damon Cinaglia
• Friday, June 13, 2003

Modern research has concluded that the transition from childhood to adulthood in the United States is often unclear, resulting in additional stress for both youths and the older population who must accept them as adults. Unlike other cultures, which often have distinct markers for this transition, such as bar mitzvahs and various other types of rites of passage, Americans have no clear indication about when a young person finally becomes "grown up." Our markers are usually gauged by age; at 16 you may obtain a license, but you cannot vote or join the military until you are 18. Yet another marker is the ability to legally purchase alcohol at 21, and you must be 25 in order to rent a car. The age you may get married varies depending upon the state in which you live.

Further confounding this issue are the ideas about manhood and womanhood. In today's decidedly liberal culture, we are bombarded with notions of what it means to be a man or woman. Beer commercials are some of the best examples of these types of suggestions. The media, our school system and political groups continually try to define and impress upon us their own ideas, but what does Scripture say about the subject? Today, with so much emphasis on defining what it means to be a woman, it is difficult for men to know their role. What we need is a fresh perspective of biblical manhood.

In Robert Lewis' book, Raising a Modern-Day Knight, he discusses C.S. Lewis' notion of two essential qualities found in the knights of old; fierceness and gentleness. It is these two qualities that can be found in perfect harmony in many men in the Bible, including King David, the Apostle Paul and Jesus Christ Himself. The balance of these qualities is vital. Were one to outweigh the other, the quintessential idea of manhood would be lost. Someone who is strong and powerful without compassion is a tyrant, while one who is gentle and tender without firmness cannot adequately lead others. In Scripture, men of God consistently possessed both strength and gentleness in equal supply. Witness the warrior and poet David as he fells the giant Goliath, yet tenderly provides for Jonathan's descendants, or the apostle Paul as he affectionately looks after his "spiritual son" Timothy, yet harshly rebukes the church in Corinth. Jesus Christ, our best example, wept openly over Jerusalem and in the garden of Gethsemane, yet drove the money-changers from the temple and called the religious leaders of his day a "brood of vipers."

One thing is certain: Biblical manhood entails leadership. God did not call men to be followers, rather to be leaders. Indeed, this was a special office that God has delegated to men. Adam failed in this regard when he stood idly by and not only allowed Eve to be tempted by Satan, but allowed himself to be lead astray as well. Eve did not lead Adam into sin, rather he sinned on his own when he abdicated his position of headship over his wife. In Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, Raymond C. Ortlund, Jr. states, "In the partnership of two spiritually equal human beings, man and woman, the man bears the primary responsibility to lead the partnership in a God-glorifying direction." He goes on to say that a distinction must be made between male headship and male domination. Male domination would be an example of strength and power without gentleness, whereas true male headship requires both.

Another quality of Biblical manhood is speaking the truth, specifically the Word of God. The term "man of God" in the Scriptures is most often used in reference to Moses, Elijah, Elisha and Timothy. Moses spoke on behalf of God in communicating the law to the people, and Elijah and Elisha spoke as God's prophets. I Kings 17:24 says, "Then the woman said to Elijah, 'Now I know that you are a man of God and that the word of the LORD in your mouth is truth.'" Timothy is called "man of God" by Paul as he exhorts him to pursue the qualities that warrant him being called so. "But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness." (I Tim. 6:11) Once again we see the call for both strength (godliness) and tenderness (gentleness).

Finally, Biblical manhood entails work. II Tim. 3:16-18 says, "All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work." A man of God is familiar with God's Word so that he may be adequately equipped to do the work of the ministry: building up the church through leading others to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and discipling others to do the same. This task begins first with his own family (a man's primary ministry) and then extends to those God has placed around him in his life.

The call of Biblical manhood is clear. A man of God is strong, yet his strength is tempered with tenderness. He is a leader, self-controlled and pure, who speaks the truth as God reveals it to Him according to His Word (the Bible) and leads others in that truth. He seeks God's will on behalf of the people in his circle of influence and works diligently to meet their spiritual needs in Christ, bringing up other young men behind him. We must reject the idea of manhood portrayed to us by the media and embrace once again the ideas put forth by the One who created us. As His children, we need to understand the roles He has established for us and strive to fulfill them.

How I Helped My Boys to Become Christian Men

by Vern S. Poythress, Ph.D., Th.D. 

God gave me two boys to raise, Ransom and Justin. Ransom is now 14 years old and is already a Christian man. Justin is a Christian boy 12 years old, and is training to become a man before he is 13.

What is going on here?

Something special. I believe that God has given to my wife Diane and me a special idea about raising boys, an idea that may be of use to you if you have sons in your family. We have created a special celebration and ceremony to introduce them to Christian manhood. This celebration we call “Bar Jeshua,” that is, “son of Jesus.” This celebration marks the point at which a boy becomes a man, a mature disciple of Jesus.

Is such a thing weird? We don’t think so. Let me tell you about it.

Almost every culture in the world has something to mark the difference between a boy and a man. A boy goes through a “rite of passage,” after which he becomes officially a man. The rite of passage may involve an ordeal, a test, or a training period of some kind. The boy who has reached a certain age must kill a crocodile, or train with a bow and arrow, or go on a long journey alone, or join in a dangerous hunt with the men.

When does a boy become a man in white American culture? When he gets a driver’s license? When he graduates from high school? When he moves away from his parents? When he can vote? When he gets his first full-time job? When he is 21? When he gets married? When he owns his own home?

No one can say. There is no clear point of transition. There is no one “rite of passage.” One of the unfortunate effects can be that boys are insecure. They don’t know when they are men. Again and again they may try to prove that they are “grown up.” Sometimes they may choose destructive ways-join a gang, go hotrodding, learn to smoke, get drunk, take a girl to bed.

What do we do to give proper guidance? I know and you know that there is no magic formula. God must be at work in teaching us and our boys, and he must be the one who causes them to grow (1 Cor. 3:7). But you and I can plant and water.

I decided that one way I could help my sons was by showing them what it was to be a man. What is a man? What marks maturity? In the Bible, true maturity does not consist in being able to kill a crocodile! The true maturity is spiritual. It is wisdom in knowing God and his will, and being able to carry it out in your life (Prov. 1:1-7).

I must set an example by my manhood. I must be like Paul, who said, “Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1). That is an awesome challenge. I fail to live up to the biblical standard. But part of being a man is being able to admit it when I fail and then to ask forgiveness.

In addition to all the regular things that must go into Christian living, I decided that my boys should have a rite of passage. It involves training and testing. It is not easy for them. They must prove themselves to be Christian men.

My son Ransom, 13 years old, has been through it. He knows that he is a man. He knows it not only because he worked and sweated at it, but because we had a celebration at the end. We sent out invitations. At the party, in the presence of about 90 people, his friends and our family friends, we reviewed some of the testing, and then I declared in front of everyone that he was now a man. “As your father, I declare that you are no longer Master Ransom Poythress. You are Mr. Ransom Poythress. You are now a man.”

The change of name is significant. White American culture still has a tiny fragment in which it recognizes manhood. According to formal etiquette, a boy is “Master” until he is 12; after that, he is “Mr.” (Mister). One of my Latino friends tells me that they have a celebration of manhood at the 12th birthday. The Jews have a “Bar Mitzvah” for a boy when he is 13.

The Jews became a model from which we attempted to learn. Though Diane and I are not Jews by birth, Jesus is a Jew. The Jews of the Old Testament are therefore our spiritual ancestors. In addition, we live in a neighborhood with many Jews. So in our neighborhood the idea of having a ceremony for manhood was not strange. We created a celebration called “Bar Jeshua,” “son of Jesus,” by analogy with “Bar Mitzvah,” son of the commandment, the Jewish celebration for entering manhood. We can also point to the incident recorded in Luke 2:41-50. At 12 years old Jesus, our Savior and Representative, shows his manly maturity in his understanding of the Bible and his understanding of his role.

The Bible does not require us to imitate slavishly any one culture. But we see wisdom here.

So what did we do? We tried to do the normal things that go into Christian parenting. But in addition, we told the boys from an early age about the Bar Jeshua we were planning for each of them. We told them that they would become men when they were 12. They were going to have to train for it beforehand.

In what does the training consist? Christian manhood is the goal. The training must match the goal. So we set for them projects. They acquire and demonstrate skill in each of several overlapping areas.

1. Knowledge of the contents of the Bible.
   • Know the names of books of the Bible in order.
   • Know Bible history.
   • Read the Bible all the way through.
   • Know main themes of biblical books.
   • Understand how Biblical teaching centers on Christ.
   • Know Greek and Hebrew (amount of knowledge tailored to the child’s ability)
2. Memorization of selected verses and passages of the Bible.
3. Knowledge of the major teachings of the Bible (doctrine).
   • Memorize a children’s catechism as a summary of doctrine.
   • Be able to explain doctrines and respond to questions using one’s own words.
4. Personal piety.
   • Using devotional materials
   • Prayer diary
   • Day-long personal retreat for prayer and fasting with Daddy
   • Growth in understanding of means for overcoming sin
5. Projects of service and mercy.
   • Serving the church; serving the needy.
6. Wisdom in dealing with various spheres of life.
   • Finances: tithing, drawing up a year-long budget; checkbook balancing; investing.
   • Etiquette: table etiquette, greeting etiquette, letter etiquette, conversational etiquette, sexual etiquette.
   • Apologetics: answering questions and objections about Christian faith; understanding the Christian world view and the main competing worldviews and ideas in the United States.
   • Sexuality: knowing Christian teaching and standards for thoughts and actions. Understanding how God designed male and female bodies.

They work on these areas over a period of years. Many times we just integrate the work into our family devotional times. At other points we have periods where they have concentrated study in one area. When the boy is 11 years old, we assess progress. If our boy is honestly far from ready, we are willing in principle to put things off for another year. But if he is showing more maturity, we have a time of more concentrated preparation.

In the two or three months before the Bar Jeshua celebration, we enlist our pastors, young people’s leaders, and (in my case) my seminary professor friends to test the boy privately in each of the areas (1)-(4). I am present at these tests to provide moral support, but not to coach my boy on the answers. We also reserve the fellowship hall at our church as a site for the coming celebration. We send out invitations. We draw up a program sheet and buy decorations and food.

The day of the Bar Jeshua celebration is a Saturday, so that more people can come. I explain the celebration to all present.. Our boy reads a short passage from the Hebrew Bible and explains it (as does the Jewish boy at Bar Mitzvah). The boy reads a short passage from the Greek Bible and explains it. The people who previously tested our boy come and give a “mini-test” as part of the celebration. But our boy already knows that he has passed the private tests, so he does not have to fear the result. We sing our boy’s favorite hymn. We pray for him. I declare that he is a man. Then we eat and converse. That’s it. Many of the guests bring gifts for the boy, because they can see that it is like a big birthday celebration.

What do our boys think of it? They are intimidated. At times they get discouraged. “It’s too hard,” they say. “I don’t like it.” “Why do I have to do this?” We did make it hard. Manhood is not easy. This life is not easy for a Christian. We keep encouraging them. But we also challenge them. And we avoid showing any sign of giving in to the pressures around us. “Why are we different?” they say. “This is what Mommy and I have decided to do. God has given us a responsibility to train you to be a man. Because you are in this family, this is what you have to do.”

We have to strike a careful balance. We have to match the projects to our children’s capabilities. We can’t make the work so hard or so time-consuming that it exasperates our children or is just an oppressive burden (Eph. 6:4). On the other hand, we don’t want to give way to the lazy feeling of much of American culture, where many people just float along, without clear goals, and seek to be entertained and avoid hard work. Other people in America work very hard, but for unworthy goals: to be “successful,” to get fame or wealth. We encourage hard work toward the worthy goal of serving Christ. We try to hit the positive note of encouragement many times for every one time that we have to criticize them. But we don’t hide the fact that we are swimming against the cultural tide.

What happens after our boy becomes a man? He has the privileges of a man. The privileges must be real and meaningful. This part is scary for Diane and me. But we told ourselves, “It is better to give our young man lots of freedom now, while he is still at home. At 14 he is still young enough to come and ask us for advice. He is young enough to know that he doesn’t know everything. For him to explore under these conditions, when he is still in our home, is far better than waiting until he goes away to college and we don’t see him or talk with him about all the challenges.”

When our boy becomes a man, lots of changes take place in many areas, some big, some small. As a man, he no longer needs a baby-sitter. He can baby-sit younger children himself. He sets his own bedtime and rising time. He decides when he does his homework and how long he works on it. He decides what TV programs he watches and how long he watches. He can (at first with supervision) teach a children’s Sunday school class. He participates in the “family council” when my wife and I discuss, plan, and make important decisions. He can buy and care for his own pet. He excuses himself from the table rather than being asked to be excused. He buys his own clothing, school supplies, and gifts. He pays rent once a month, based on an estimate of his share in the utilities, food, and other costs. And he has an allowance to match these new responsibilities! In addition, if I pay him to do an extra job, I pay him at a going rate-at least the minimum wage, and more than that for jobs that are demanding.

But even when our son is a man, he is still part of the family and still lives with us. We love him just as much. We kiss and hug him just as much. We play together. We have certain rules that we would have for anyone living with us, even people outside the family. We expect him to be at meals on time. We expect him to be considerate of other members of the family. If he goes somewhere, we expect to know where he is. On Saturday night we meet as a family and assess the week. We continue to talk with him about where he is spiritually. If we see sin in his life, we will exhort him as we would exhort an adult who was on intimate terms with us. We continue to encourage one another and teach one another as fellow believers in Christ (Col. 3:16; 1 Thess. 5:14).

Christianity, after all, does not isolate adults from one another, but puts them in the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12). In that body we are answerable to one another. So Ransom’s freedom is not freedom for immorality. If I were to see my brother in Christ filling his mind with raw TV programs, or neglecting his homework, or even just staying up too late every night and then dragging in the morning, we would sit down and talk. We would ask, “Is this really wise for a Christian man?”

I must say that, so far, we are pleased. It has been work for us. But Ransom is a man now. Sure, he has energy and interests like many other fourteen-year-olds. But in matters that count, he acts like a man. Not perfectly. Not without some stumbles and signs of immaturity. But he does. We noticed a big change right after his Bar Jeshua.

• Larry Burkett, Surviving the Money Jungle: A Junior High Study in Handling Money (Gainesville, GA: Christian Financial Concepts, 1995).
• Catechism for Young Children: An Introduction to the Shorter Catechism (Philadelphia: Great Commission, n.d.)
• Paul Little, Know What You Believe (Colorado Springs, CO: Chariot Victor, 1987).
• Paul Little, Witnessing; How to Give Away Your Faith (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, 1996).
• Susan S. Macaulay, How to Be Your Own Selfish Pig (Colorado Springs, CO: Chariot Victor, 1982).
• Theodore C. Papaloizos, Alfabetario: Pre-School Reader (n.l.: Papaloizos Publications, 1990). (Introduction to Greek letters and pronunciation.)
• Amye Rosenberg, Alef Bet Mystery (New York: Behrman House, 1980). (Introduction to Hebrew letters and pronunciation.)
• R. C. Sproul, Choosing My Religion, tape series (Orlando, FL: Ligonier Ministries).
• R. C. Sproul, Objections Answered, tape series (Orlando, FL: Ligonier Ministries).

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Copyright (c) 2005 by Vern Sheridan Poythress.
Permission is granted to copy, distribute and/or modify this document under the terms of the GNU Free Documentation License, Version 1.2 or any later version published by the Free Software Foundation; with no Invariant Sections, no Front-Cover Texts, and no Back-Cover Texts. A copy of the license can be found at the Free Software Foundation website.

Pointing Boys Toward Manhood

Good men do not appear by accident. With diligent prayer and careful discipleship, you can guide your son to manhood.

American educators are obsessed with gender. Search the ERIC database about any topic—oh, say, advanced placement courses—and the great majority of studies in the database will be on attaining gender and racial equity in the test results. But the interest of the secular educational community seems to be one-directional. Girls, as a disempowered minority, need all kinds of encouragement and preference and, most of all, expensive educational programs. Boys? They’ve got plenty. In fact, they’ve got too much. We need to bring them down a notch or two in sensitivity-training sessions.

But nobody grows up well in an environment of inattention or diminution. To become decent and successful adults, children need direction. And since God has chosen to create humans in two sexes, both in the image of God Himself (Gen. 1:27), children need direction at growing into positive adult examples of whatever sex God made them.

A number of organizations, both secular and religious, have noted our culture’s relative inattention to the importance of strong males in both home and society, almost certainly as the result of feminism’s increasing reach into the primary cultural institutions. Christian educators, including homeschooling parents, would do well to give attention to the effect they can have on their male students in directing them toward biblical manhood.

Biblical Data

What is biblical manhood like? The Bible answers that question in two ways: by precept, or direct statement, and by example. Scripture is filled with examples of godly men, from Job to Moses to David to Paul (and of course to Jesus Himself, who though fully God is fully man as well). Careful study of the accounts of these men reinforces the precepts found throughout Scripture.

What are some of the main ideas? What characteristics do we want to nurture in the lives of young men? What follows is only a sample, but these are perhaps the most heavily emphasized in the Scripture.

Leadership Qualities

Most people are not the king, of course; there can be only one king in a nation—because somebody has to pay the taxes. But God has ordained three institutions (home, state, church), and in two of them the Scripture directs that the leadership be male.The great majority of men, then, will be in some kind of leadership role, and we err if we do not prepare boys for that future role. What qualities does a good leader need?

• Humility. Biblical leaders recognize that they are under leaders as well (Eph. 6:9) and that they are prone to sinfulness and all the other characteristics of imperfection (Rom. 3:10). They make mistakes, and when they do, they correct them. David repented of his sin with Bathsheba (2 Sam. 12:13), but he did not fail to meet his kingly obligations when facing the consequences of his sin (v. 20).
• Responsibility/Diligence. Leaders recognize responsibility and meet it. Often, being in charge means doing things that are not fun, and in some cases, not even pleasant. Leaders do those things anyway (2 Cor. 7:8). They set out a vision and do what is necessary to accomplish it.
• Self-control. With authority comes power, and those in authority must not use that power carelessly. Herod spent his power on himself and paid a price for it. Fathers hold the power to injure their children for life with a careless word; they must not say it even though their children may make them legitimately angry.
• Love. This greatest of virtues is simply placing the needs of others ahead of your own. It’s why Boy Scouts help little old ladies across the street; it’s why mothers get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. It’s the opposite of pride and self-centeredness. It’s necessary for all believers, of course (Matt.
  22:36–40), but certainly so for leaders, whose influence is magnified, often exponentially.
• Attentiveness. Leaders need to know what’s going on in the area for which they are responsible. They need to pay attention. Everyone has had the experience of working for a boss who doesn’t have a clue. (I’m afraid that during my managerial days, many of those for whom I was responsible had that unpleasant experience as well.)
• Empathy. Good leaders have an understanding of how their actions affect others, and they adjust their actions to the needs of those with whom they interact. They recognize the needs of those for whom they are responsible, and they seek to meet them in appropriate ways.
• Courage. Sometimes leaders have to do hard things—and when those things are not popular. Doing the hard thing despite opposition, even from those you love, is the lot of the leader.
• Christ-likeness. Whether a man is a leader or not, he is to be like Christ (as are women as well, of course). Christ certainly exemplified all the characteristics of a leader mentioned above, but there are other qualities in Him that we should reflect.
• Obedience. Christ obeyed His Father (John 4:34), even though He is His Father’s equal (John 10:30; 14:9). We are even told that He “learned . . . obedience by the things which he suffered” (Heb. 5:8).
• Devotion to the Father. No one can read Christ’s great prayer in John 17 without being struck by the poignancy of His need for fellowship with His Father. For the years He ministered on earth, He missed His Father terribly, and He sought Him out in long nights of prayer. The lowest point of His life was when He cried out from the cross, decrying the separation from His Father’s fellowship brought on by His assumption of our sin. It is not unmanly to be dependent on intimate fellowship with God.
• Goodness. Christ could enjoy the company of sinners (Matt. 11:19) without compromising His perfect adherence to God’s Law (1 Pet. 2:22), His personal purity (Heb. 4:15), or the effectiveness of His ministry to those sinners (John 4).
• Knowledge. Understanding the combination of divine and human natures in Christ is beyond our ability, but the Bible clearly says that Christ developed as a boy in all the growth areas of the human condition: intellectual, physical, spiritual, and social (Luke 2:52). He learned to speak, apparently, three different languages fluently: Greek, Aramaic, and Hebrew. He observed carefully the nature of creation (Matt. 6:28) as well as human culture (Luke 7:32). If He could be both omniscient and thirsty for knowledge, how much more should we be lifelong students?
• Endurance. Christ is, of course, the ultimate example of seeing a responsibility through to completion (Heb. 12:2). As the perfect God, He must have found virtually everything about life in a fallen world deeply repulsive. He not only lived in what must have been to Him the equivalent of a garbage dump but also deigned to be made garbage Himself to accomplish our salvation: He “became sin for us” (2 Cor. 5:21) and the object of the Father’s curse (Gal. 3:13).

Application

How do we engender these qualities in our sons? Let me suggest a few broad principles to get us started.

• Responsibility. Give your boys carefully measured opportunities to be responsible, and reward them with greater responsibility—and freedom—when they do well. I have told my daughters (yep, they’re both girls) that life works very simply: as they grow older, I will keep giving them more and more freedom until they demonstrate that they cannot be responsible—and then I will clamp down on them like Herod the Great. So far, so good.
• Interaction. A key element of love—lack of self-centeredness—comes from working with other people. Group projects—working with siblings or other homeschooled children—where students have not only the opportunity but also the responsibility to work together and to help one another succeed, can be very effective at getting students out of their own self-absorption and pride.
• Challenge. It can be healthy, if done in an encouraging environment, to stretch your sons by giving them a little bit more to do than they think they are capable of. Don’t believe that? Coaches do it all the time; they work the athletes to the point of exhaustion and are rewarded with respect and loyalty when they know how to be tender and encouraging along the way—and when victory comes. Make it challenging but possible.
• Clear direction. All children need to know what the limits are so that they can demonstrate that they respect them. Overly vague assignments are wellsprings of frustration. Make it clear what is required and what else is optional. Good men do not appear by accident. They are the product of the work of the Holy Spirit, the study of Scripture, diligent prayer, and careful discipleship. In God’s providence, you have been placed in a discipleship role for your sons. Disciple on purpose.