How I Helped My Boys to Become Christian Men

by Vern S. Poythress, Ph.D., Th.D. 

God gave me two boys to raise, Ransom and Justin. Ransom is now 14 years old and is already a Christian man. Justin is a Christian boy 12 years old, and is training to become a man before he is 13.

What is going on here?

Something special. I believe that God has given to my wife Diane and me a special idea about raising boys, an idea that may be of use to you if you have sons in your family. We have created a special celebration and ceremony to introduce them to Christian manhood. This celebration we call “Bar Jeshua,” that is, “son of Jesus.” This celebration marks the point at which a boy becomes a man, a mature disciple of Jesus.

Is such a thing weird? We don’t think so. Let me tell you about it.

Almost every culture in the world has something to mark the difference between a boy and a man. A boy goes through a “rite of passage,” after which he becomes officially a man. The rite of passage may involve an ordeal, a test, or a training period of some kind. The boy who has reached a certain age must kill a crocodile, or train with a bow and arrow, or go on a long journey alone, or join in a dangerous hunt with the men.

When does a boy become a man in white American culture? When he gets a driver’s license? When he graduates from high school? When he moves away from his parents? When he can vote? When he gets his first full-time job? When he is 21? When he gets married? When he owns his own home?

No one can say. There is no clear point of transition. There is no one “rite of passage.” One of the unfortunate effects can be that boys are insecure. They don’t know when they are men. Again and again they may try to prove that they are “grown up.” Sometimes they may choose destructive ways-join a gang, go hotrodding, learn to smoke, get drunk, take a girl to bed.

What do we do to give proper guidance? I know and you know that there is no magic formula. God must be at work in teaching us and our boys, and he must be the one who causes them to grow (1 Cor. 3:7). But you and I can plant and water.

I decided that one way I could help my sons was by showing them what it was to be a man. What is a man? What marks maturity? In the Bible, true maturity does not consist in being able to kill a crocodile! The true maturity is spiritual. It is wisdom in knowing God and his will, and being able to carry it out in your life (Prov. 1:1-7).

I must set an example by my manhood. I must be like Paul, who said, “Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ” (1 Cor. 11:1). That is an awesome challenge. I fail to live up to the biblical standard. But part of being a man is being able to admit it when I fail and then to ask forgiveness.

In addition to all the regular things that must go into Christian living, I decided that my boys should have a rite of passage. It involves training and testing. It is not easy for them. They must prove themselves to be Christian men.

My son Ransom, 13 years old, has been through it. He knows that he is a man. He knows it not only because he worked and sweated at it, but because we had a celebration at the end. We sent out invitations. At the party, in the presence of about 90 people, his friends and our family friends, we reviewed some of the testing, and then I declared in front of everyone that he was now a man. “As your father, I declare that you are no longer Master Ransom Poythress. You are Mr. Ransom Poythress. You are now a man.”

The change of name is significant. White American culture still has a tiny fragment in which it recognizes manhood. According to formal etiquette, a boy is “Master” until he is 12; after that, he is “Mr.” (Mister). One of my Latino friends tells me that they have a celebration of manhood at the 12th birthday. The Jews have a “Bar Mitzvah” for a boy when he is 13.

The Jews became a model from which we attempted to learn. Though Diane and I are not Jews by birth, Jesus is a Jew. The Jews of the Old Testament are therefore our spiritual ancestors. In addition, we live in a neighborhood with many Jews. So in our neighborhood the idea of having a ceremony for manhood was not strange. We created a celebration called “Bar Jeshua,” “son of Jesus,” by analogy with “Bar Mitzvah,” son of the commandment, the Jewish celebration for entering manhood. We can also point to the incident recorded in Luke 2:41-50. At 12 years old Jesus, our Savior and Representative, shows his manly maturity in his understanding of the Bible and his understanding of his role.

The Bible does not require us to imitate slavishly any one culture. But we see wisdom here.

So what did we do? We tried to do the normal things that go into Christian parenting. But in addition, we told the boys from an early age about the Bar Jeshua we were planning for each of them. We told them that they would become men when they were 12. They were going to have to train for it beforehand.

In what does the training consist? Christian manhood is the goal. The training must match the goal. So we set for them projects. They acquire and demonstrate skill in each of several overlapping areas.

1. Knowledge of the contents of the Bible.
   • Know the names of books of the Bible in order.
   • Know Bible history.
   • Read the Bible all the way through.
   • Know main themes of biblical books.
   • Understand how Biblical teaching centers on Christ.
   • Know Greek and Hebrew (amount of knowledge tailored to the child’s ability)
2. Memorization of selected verses and passages of the Bible.
3. Knowledge of the major teachings of the Bible (doctrine).
   • Memorize a children’s catechism as a summary of doctrine.
   • Be able to explain doctrines and respond to questions using one’s own words.
4. Personal piety.
   • Using devotional materials
   • Prayer diary
   • Day-long personal retreat for prayer and fasting with Daddy
   • Growth in understanding of means for overcoming sin
5. Projects of service and mercy.
   • Serving the church; serving the needy.
6. Wisdom in dealing with various spheres of life.
   • Finances: tithing, drawing up a year-long budget; checkbook balancing; investing.
   • Etiquette: table etiquette, greeting etiquette, letter etiquette, conversational etiquette, sexual etiquette.
   • Apologetics: answering questions and objections about Christian faith; understanding the Christian world view and the main competing worldviews and ideas in the United States.
   • Sexuality: knowing Christian teaching and standards for thoughts and actions. Understanding how God designed male and female bodies.

They work on these areas over a period of years. Many times we just integrate the work into our family devotional times. At other points we have periods where they have concentrated study in one area. When the boy is 11 years old, we assess progress. If our boy is honestly far from ready, we are willing in principle to put things off for another year. But if he is showing more maturity, we have a time of more concentrated preparation.

In the two or three months before the Bar Jeshua celebration, we enlist our pastors, young people’s leaders, and (in my case) my seminary professor friends to test the boy privately in each of the areas (1)-(4). I am present at these tests to provide moral support, but not to coach my boy on the answers. We also reserve the fellowship hall at our church as a site for the coming celebration. We send out invitations. We draw up a program sheet and buy decorations and food.

The day of the Bar Jeshua celebration is a Saturday, so that more people can come. I explain the celebration to all present.. Our boy reads a short passage from the Hebrew Bible and explains it (as does the Jewish boy at Bar Mitzvah). The boy reads a short passage from the Greek Bible and explains it. The people who previously tested our boy come and give a “mini-test” as part of the celebration. But our boy already knows that he has passed the private tests, so he does not have to fear the result. We sing our boy’s favorite hymn. We pray for him. I declare that he is a man. Then we eat and converse. That’s it. Many of the guests bring gifts for the boy, because they can see that it is like a big birthday celebration.

What do our boys think of it? They are intimidated. At times they get discouraged. “It’s too hard,” they say. “I don’t like it.” “Why do I have to do this?” We did make it hard. Manhood is not easy. This life is not easy for a Christian. We keep encouraging them. But we also challenge them. And we avoid showing any sign of giving in to the pressures around us. “Why are we different?” they say. “This is what Mommy and I have decided to do. God has given us a responsibility to train you to be a man. Because you are in this family, this is what you have to do.”

We have to strike a careful balance. We have to match the projects to our children’s capabilities. We can’t make the work so hard or so time-consuming that it exasperates our children or is just an oppressive burden (Eph. 6:4). On the other hand, we don’t want to give way to the lazy feeling of much of American culture, where many people just float along, without clear goals, and seek to be entertained and avoid hard work. Other people in America work very hard, but for unworthy goals: to be “successful,” to get fame or wealth. We encourage hard work toward the worthy goal of serving Christ. We try to hit the positive note of encouragement many times for every one time that we have to criticize them. But we don’t hide the fact that we are swimming against the cultural tide.

What happens after our boy becomes a man? He has the privileges of a man. The privileges must be real and meaningful. This part is scary for Diane and me. But we told ourselves, “It is better to give our young man lots of freedom now, while he is still at home. At 14 he is still young enough to come and ask us for advice. He is young enough to know that he doesn’t know everything. For him to explore under these conditions, when he is still in our home, is far better than waiting until he goes away to college and we don’t see him or talk with him about all the challenges.”

When our boy becomes a man, lots of changes take place in many areas, some big, some small. As a man, he no longer needs a baby-sitter. He can baby-sit younger children himself. He sets his own bedtime and rising time. He decides when he does his homework and how long he works on it. He decides what TV programs he watches and how long he watches. He can (at first with supervision) teach a children’s Sunday school class. He participates in the “family council” when my wife and I discuss, plan, and make important decisions. He can buy and care for his own pet. He excuses himself from the table rather than being asked to be excused. He buys his own clothing, school supplies, and gifts. He pays rent once a month, based on an estimate of his share in the utilities, food, and other costs. And he has an allowance to match these new responsibilities! In addition, if I pay him to do an extra job, I pay him at a going rate-at least the minimum wage, and more than that for jobs that are demanding.

But even when our son is a man, he is still part of the family and still lives with us. We love him just as much. We kiss and hug him just as much. We play together. We have certain rules that we would have for anyone living with us, even people outside the family. We expect him to be at meals on time. We expect him to be considerate of other members of the family. If he goes somewhere, we expect to know where he is. On Saturday night we meet as a family and assess the week. We continue to talk with him about where he is spiritually. If we see sin in his life, we will exhort him as we would exhort an adult who was on intimate terms with us. We continue to encourage one another and teach one another as fellow believers in Christ (Col. 3:16; 1 Thess. 5:14).

Christianity, after all, does not isolate adults from one another, but puts them in the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12). In that body we are answerable to one another. So Ransom’s freedom is not freedom for immorality. If I were to see my brother in Christ filling his mind with raw TV programs, or neglecting his homework, or even just staying up too late every night and then dragging in the morning, we would sit down and talk. We would ask, “Is this really wise for a Christian man?”

I must say that, so far, we are pleased. It has been work for us. But Ransom is a man now. Sure, he has energy and interests like many other fourteen-year-olds. But in matters that count, he acts like a man. Not perfectly. Not without some stumbles and signs of immaturity. But he does. We noticed a big change right after his Bar Jeshua.

• Larry Burkett, Surviving the Money Jungle: A Junior High Study in Handling Money (Gainesville, GA: Christian Financial Concepts, 1995).
• Catechism for Young Children: An Introduction to the Shorter Catechism (Philadelphia: Great Commission, n.d.)
• Paul Little, Know What You Believe (Colorado Springs, CO: Chariot Victor, 1987).
• Paul Little, Witnessing; How to Give Away Your Faith (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, 1996).
• Susan S. Macaulay, How to Be Your Own Selfish Pig (Colorado Springs, CO: Chariot Victor, 1982).
• Theodore C. Papaloizos, Alfabetario: Pre-School Reader (n.l.: Papaloizos Publications, 1990). (Introduction to Greek letters and pronunciation.)
• Amye Rosenberg, Alef Bet Mystery (New York: Behrman House, 1980). (Introduction to Hebrew letters and pronunciation.)
• R. C. Sproul, Choosing My Religion, tape series (Orlando, FL: Ligonier Ministries).
• R. C. Sproul, Objections Answered, tape series (Orlando, FL: Ligonier Ministries).

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Copyright (c) 2005 by Vern Sheridan Poythress.
Permission is granted to copy, distribute and/or modify this document under the terms of the GNU Free Documentation License, Version 1.2 or any later version published by the Free Software Foundation; with no Invariant Sections, no Front-Cover Texts, and no Back-Cover Texts. A copy of the license can be found at the Free Software Foundation website.

Calling All Men!!!

The time is now!

Pointing Boys Toward Manhood

Good men do not appear by accident. With diligent prayer and careful discipleship, you can guide your son to manhood.

American educators are obsessed with gender. Search the ERIC database about any topic—oh, say, advanced placement courses—and the great majority of studies in the database will be on attaining gender and racial equity in the test results. But the interest of the secular educational community seems to be one-directional. Girls, as a disempowered minority, need all kinds of encouragement and preference and, most of all, expensive educational programs. Boys? They’ve got plenty. In fact, they’ve got too much. We need to bring them down a notch or two in sensitivity-training sessions.

But nobody grows up well in an environment of inattention or diminution. To become decent and successful adults, children need direction. And since God has chosen to create humans in two sexes, both in the image of God Himself (Gen. 1:27), children need direction at growing into positive adult examples of whatever sex God made them.

A number of organizations, both secular and religious, have noted our culture’s relative inattention to the importance of strong males in both home and society, almost certainly as the result of feminism’s increasing reach into the primary cultural institutions. Christian educators, including homeschooling parents, would do well to give attention to the effect they can have on their male students in directing them toward biblical manhood.

Biblical Data

What is biblical manhood like? The Bible answers that question in two ways: by precept, or direct statement, and by example. Scripture is filled with examples of godly men, from Job to Moses to David to Paul (and of course to Jesus Himself, who though fully God is fully man as well). Careful study of the accounts of these men reinforces the precepts found throughout Scripture.

What are some of the main ideas? What characteristics do we want to nurture in the lives of young men? What follows is only a sample, but these are perhaps the most heavily emphasized in the Scripture.

Leadership Qualities

Most people are not the king, of course; there can be only one king in a nation—because somebody has to pay the taxes. But God has ordained three institutions (home, state, church), and in two of them the Scripture directs that the leadership be male.The great majority of men, then, will be in some kind of leadership role, and we err if we do not prepare boys for that future role. What qualities does a good leader need?

• Humility. Biblical leaders recognize that they are under leaders as well (Eph. 6:9) and that they are prone to sinfulness and all the other characteristics of imperfection (Rom. 3:10). They make mistakes, and when they do, they correct them. David repented of his sin with Bathsheba (2 Sam. 12:13), but he did not fail to meet his kingly obligations when facing the consequences of his sin (v. 20).
• Responsibility/Diligence. Leaders recognize responsibility and meet it. Often, being in charge means doing things that are not fun, and in some cases, not even pleasant. Leaders do those things anyway (2 Cor. 7:8). They set out a vision and do what is necessary to accomplish it.
• Self-control. With authority comes power, and those in authority must not use that power carelessly. Herod spent his power on himself and paid a price for it. Fathers hold the power to injure their children for life with a careless word; they must not say it even though their children may make them legitimately angry.
• Love. This greatest of virtues is simply placing the needs of others ahead of your own. It’s why Boy Scouts help little old ladies across the street; it’s why mothers get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. It’s the opposite of pride and self-centeredness. It’s necessary for all believers, of course (Matt.
  22:36–40), but certainly so for leaders, whose influence is magnified, often exponentially.
• Attentiveness. Leaders need to know what’s going on in the area for which they are responsible. They need to pay attention. Everyone has had the experience of working for a boss who doesn’t have a clue. (I’m afraid that during my managerial days, many of those for whom I was responsible had that unpleasant experience as well.)
• Empathy. Good leaders have an understanding of how their actions affect others, and they adjust their actions to the needs of those with whom they interact. They recognize the needs of those for whom they are responsible, and they seek to meet them in appropriate ways.
• Courage. Sometimes leaders have to do hard things—and when those things are not popular. Doing the hard thing despite opposition, even from those you love, is the lot of the leader.
• Christ-likeness. Whether a man is a leader or not, he is to be like Christ (as are women as well, of course). Christ certainly exemplified all the characteristics of a leader mentioned above, but there are other qualities in Him that we should reflect.
• Obedience. Christ obeyed His Father (John 4:34), even though He is His Father’s equal (John 10:30; 14:9). We are even told that He “learned . . . obedience by the things which he suffered” (Heb. 5:8).
• Devotion to the Father. No one can read Christ’s great prayer in John 17 without being struck by the poignancy of His need for fellowship with His Father. For the years He ministered on earth, He missed His Father terribly, and He sought Him out in long nights of prayer. The lowest point of His life was when He cried out from the cross, decrying the separation from His Father’s fellowship brought on by His assumption of our sin. It is not unmanly to be dependent on intimate fellowship with God.
• Goodness. Christ could enjoy the company of sinners (Matt. 11:19) without compromising His perfect adherence to God’s Law (1 Pet. 2:22), His personal purity (Heb. 4:15), or the effectiveness of His ministry to those sinners (John 4).
• Knowledge. Understanding the combination of divine and human natures in Christ is beyond our ability, but the Bible clearly says that Christ developed as a boy in all the growth areas of the human condition: intellectual, physical, spiritual, and social (Luke 2:52). He learned to speak, apparently, three different languages fluently: Greek, Aramaic, and Hebrew. He observed carefully the nature of creation (Matt. 6:28) as well as human culture (Luke 7:32). If He could be both omniscient and thirsty for knowledge, how much more should we be lifelong students?
• Endurance. Christ is, of course, the ultimate example of seeing a responsibility through to completion (Heb. 12:2). As the perfect God, He must have found virtually everything about life in a fallen world deeply repulsive. He not only lived in what must have been to Him the equivalent of a garbage dump but also deigned to be made garbage Himself to accomplish our salvation: He “became sin for us” (2 Cor. 5:21) and the object of the Father’s curse (Gal. 3:13).

Application

How do we engender these qualities in our sons? Let me suggest a few broad principles to get us started.

• Responsibility. Give your boys carefully measured opportunities to be responsible, and reward them with greater responsibility—and freedom—when they do well. I have told my daughters (yep, they’re both girls) that life works very simply: as they grow older, I will keep giving them more and more freedom until they demonstrate that they cannot be responsible—and then I will clamp down on them like Herod the Great. So far, so good.
• Interaction. A key element of love—lack of self-centeredness—comes from working with other people. Group projects—working with siblings or other homeschooled children—where students have not only the opportunity but also the responsibility to work together and to help one another succeed, can be very effective at getting students out of their own self-absorption and pride.
• Challenge. It can be healthy, if done in an encouraging environment, to stretch your sons by giving them a little bit more to do than they think they are capable of. Don’t believe that? Coaches do it all the time; they work the athletes to the point of exhaustion and are rewarded with respect and loyalty when they know how to be tender and encouraging along the way—and when victory comes. Make it challenging but possible.
• Clear direction. All children need to know what the limits are so that they can demonstrate that they respect them. Overly vague assignments are wellsprings of frustration. Make it clear what is required and what else is optional. Good men do not appear by accident. They are the product of the work of the Holy Spirit, the study of Scripture, diligent prayer, and careful discipleship. In God’s providence, you have been placed in a discipleship role for your sons. Disciple on purpose.

The Measure of a Man

The Measure of a Man - Intro: A Call to Christian Manhood

Related Media

Get The Measure of a Man FREE for your church, call 800-527-4014 x 0

A Call to Christian Manhood

Paul’s words, inspired by the Holy Spirit, and written to Timothy and Titus, are now, more than anytime in recent history, a clarion call to all Christian men. We are at a crossroad in our nation and as a church in America. A crossroad that will take us further down the path of mediocrity, complacency and compromise or the path of righteousness, biblical truth, and steadfast faith. Much of the American church is choosing the easier path and much will be lost because of it. It is time for men of God to take their place in Christ’s church and be the men He has called us to be.

In Timothy 3 & Titus 1, Paul lists the attributes that a man of God should possess. Both lists are very similar. Paul’s intent was to describe what a mature Christian man should look like to fulfill a position as a leader in the early church. This in no way lessens the call to every man to strive for these same qualities whether or not they are currently called to church leadership. It is what Dr. Gene Getz calls a “profile of maturity”. A profile that beckons all men to attain the stature of the fullness of Christ. Dr. Getz expounds on this profile in the classic book “The Measure of a Man” and the DVD series of the same title. He says “it is these qualities that make us not only productive leaders in the church but godly husbands, effective fathers, Christ-like businessmen, dynamic witnesses in our neighborhood, and most importantly, these qualities reflect the “maximum man”, Jesus Christ himself. He is the one all of us together, and individually, should have as our overall goal”. 

Men, God cares about your relationship with Him. Your church, your community, and your country are crying out for men of God to step up. Are you ready to raise the bar in your spiritual life? Do you “measure up” to God’s standard? To help you in the journey in the coming weeks we’ll be expounding on the attributes of maturity outlined by Dr. Getz.

Watch the video to see an introduction to the “Measure of a Man” DVD series and more information can be found at www.genegetzstudies.com.

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This is the moment when every Christian man must take an inventory of his life. He must be willing to examine the details of his life, the attributes he possesses and the virtues that guide him. There must be an introspective examination that uncovers the deepest truth about who he is. There has never been a time in which men were needed in their fullness as they are needed today. This nation is spiraling in moral decline. More than 40 percent of all children are being born into single parent households. These numbers are even worse in the black communities where the numbers exceed 70 percent. 

The time is now...will you rise up and meet your destiny? I invite every Christian man to join the movement in which Christian men will rise up and walk in their design and purpose. ~ Dr. Rick Wallace

The Measure of a Man (Intro)

It is time for Christian men to rise up to live within their designs. We have faltered and fallen away to a life of narcissism and antinomianism at an appalling rate. The moral decline of this nation can be traced directly back to the Christian man failing to fulfill his God ordained role. One of the primary reasons for failure in Christian men is the inability to effective and accurately define biblical manhood.

The secular culture in which we reside has bombarded men with erroneous concepts of manhood, and it has left many of chasing fallacious dreams. We are pursuing selfish ambitions and empty accomplishments attempting to fulfill a passionate yearning within to become great, but greatness is not defined in our accomplishments, in and of themselves, it is defined in our fulfillment of our design, the execution of our purpose and the obtainment of our destiny. What type of legacy are your leaving behind? ~ Dr. Rick Wallace

Additional Resources by Dr. Rick Wallace

Books

1. The Invisible Father: Reversing the Curse of a Fatherless Generation

2. Renewing Your Mind: The Dynamics of Christian Transformation

3. Elevation through Revelation

4. When Your House is Not a Home

5. The Power of Healing Affirmations

Blogs

1. 100 Men of Purpose

2. Master Fitness 21

Considering the tone and the singular focus of this particular article by Dr. Boyce Watkins, it took some sincere prayer and some careful consideration to come to the decision to publish this article on this site. This site is focused on developing men who are kingdom men, without regard for color or cultural background. As a black man, this creates a challenge for me, because I am keenly cognizant of the plight of the young black male in America, and I understand that I have an intense responsibility to engage this unique problem, just as much as my general responsibility to engage manhood across the board -- if not more.

Where we all have failed as men in the home, the fact that the black family has suffered to a greater extent than any other cannot be ignored. Where 40 percent of all children born in America are born into single family households, the number is considerably worse for blacks, where more than 72 percent of all children are born into single family households. The ramifications that are associated with these numbers are even more alarming, when you consider that children born into single family households, specifically those in which the father is the absent parent, children are more than likely to go to prison, drop out of school, earn subpar grades, become involved in illicit drug use and more.

In this admittedly exaggerated article, Dr. Watkins is pointing to some particular actions by single mothers, specifically black single mothers, that cripple their sons and foster concepts that are not conducive to developing a biblical man. I encourage men and women alike to read this article with an open mind because their is a message in it for both fathers and mothers. Honestly, it does not only apply to the black either.

I encourage to read my closing commentary at the end of this article. ~ Dr. Rick Wallace

Six ways single mothers can raise a sorry Black man

January 1, 2014 Filed under COMMENTARIES Posted by administrator

These words come from a man who has seen too many Black men grow up to become irresponsible, self-absorbed, excessively entitled, weak men, largely because they were coddled at home.  This does not always happen at the hands of a single mother, but it almost always occurs due to parents who do not understand their role in raising intelligent and responsible human beings.

Let’s be clear:  If you raise your son to be a boy, he’s going to remain a boy.  Typically, strong male role models make it easier to build manhood; mothers cannot usually do it alone.

This is a comedic exaggeration, but perhaps we can think while we laugh. And before we get into the tired diatribe about this being some kind of assault on single Black mothers, understand that if I hate single Black mothers, that means I hate my late grandmother.

My own mother was a 17-year old single mom until she married my second father three years after I was born.  And it was her commitment to raising me with more discipline than my male friends that guided me away from the same gutters, prison cells,  and rehab clinics that many of them occupy to this day.

So, if you want your son to grow up to be a horrible father and husband for somebody else, here are a few things you can do:

1. Never make him accountable.  If he goes to jail, mortgage your house to pay for the attorney.  If he gets fired from his fourth job in a row, of course it’s because he’s Black.  Anything that goes wrong in his life, explain to him why none of it is ever his fault.  Make a long list of excuses for everything he does. If he gets in trouble at school, it’s the teacher’s fault. If he has an angry outburst and attacks someone, it’s because he had too much sugar. Remember: Nothing that he ever does wrong, to anyone, at any time, is ever his fault. Jesus will make him better eventually.

2. Allow him to be lazy. Clean his room for him, wash his clothes, don’t make him do any chores.  Don’t make him work for anything….EVER.  When he’s 32-years old, let him live in your basement and spend the day in his drawz smoking weed and playing Xbox.  He’ll get that record deal eventually.

3. Don’t ever force him to manage his money.  Buy him a lot of really expensive material possessions, like $250 Air Jordans and don’t make him work for any of that money.  If he wrecks the new car you bought him, just buy him another one. Don’t talk to him about saving, investing or being a good provider.  If he wants that 14th tattoo on his neck, go ahead and give it to him.

4. Congratulate him for being a “playa.” Let him treat his girlfriends like garbage without your saying a word.  When he tells you that he got a fourth girl pregnant, just congratulate him and agree to watch the kids while his baby mama is at the club.

When the third baby’s mama asks you about the other girls coming to the house, lie for him so as not to blow his cover.  The world is his oyster, and he has a right to sow his oats without any semblance of responsibility.  Don’t forget to save money to pay his child support for him so he can be free to make more kids without the burden of those gold-digging newborn babies.

5. Don’t make him get an education. If he brings home straight Ds on his report card, just remember that he’s the best player on the basketball team. Go buy him something nice to make him feel better, since those bad grades are going to hurt his self-esteem.

6. Coddle him. He’s your baby after all, even if he is 6’3”, 250 pounds. Never throw him out to the wolves; he won’t make it.  Never force him to stand on his own two feet; he might break a toe nail.  He doesn’t have to be a man for anybody; he’ll always be your baby. If his wife comes around and complains that he’s cheating on her, beating her, or not taking care of his kids, explain to her that he was your man from the very beginning, and he always will be. They should just leave your baby alone.

Overly sensitive single mothers may take this (admittedly exaggerated) article to be an attack on them. Instead, it is a clarion call for mothers to realize the importance of their role in building a nation.

If we build weak men, then we have weak families.  Weak families lead to weak communities and White America has its foot on our collective neck. I argue that Black men should be at the forefront of those fighting to stand strong against oppression, but too many of our men have not been raised to be leaders.

The first teacher
The mother is the first teacher and the most influential person in the life of nearly any child.  If she becomes so fixated on the high of oxytocin that comes from the love of a child, she may fall short in her role of shaping that boy to become the leader of someone else’s household.

Had my mother and grandmother failed to do their jobs and not provided a strong male role model for me (since my biological father had other things to do), I wouldn’t be the man that I am today. Instead, I would still be my mother’s baby.

Most of us know men who fit into this role, and we must realize that manhood must be taught.  A single mother truly believing that she can raise a boy to be a man is as misguided as my thinking that I can teach my daughters the subtleties of womanhood.
It’s time to put an end to the nonsense.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is a professor of finance at Syracuse University. Read his columns and weblog at http://www.boycewatkins.com.

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Commentary:

In this article, Dr. Watkins admits that he is exaggerating in somewhat of a facetious manner when listing the counterproductive behavior of some African American mothers. What he is not exaggerating on is the negative impact of that behavior. Dr. Watkins takes significant effort to ensure that readers understand that this is not an attack on single black mothers. I would take it a step further. I don't see this article as only a message to siingle black mothers. What I see is a clarion to black fathers to rise up and live in their God-ordained roles. The erroneous actions pointed out in this article is do to the absence of strong black men in the home. 

It takes a man to raise a man. Before you ladies get bent to out of shape, I can acknowledge that there are women that have done a  job in raising their young boys to be strong black men, but it would be foolish to think that it could not have been done better with a positive father figure being consistently involved in that young child's life. To make the assumption that a woman can do a better job at helping a boy develop into a godly man would be to suggest that God's design is fallible. This is why mothers must be careful when pushing fathers away with the mindset that they don't need them. Maybe you don't need him, but your son definitely does. 

The very design of a woman causes her to respond and relate to her son in a way that is not conducive to biblical manhood when it is not counterbalanced by the presence of a man. The warmth and affection of a mother is needed, especially in the early developmental years, but as a child grows the power in the presence of his father becomes more evident. It is the strength, character and actions of the father that sets the standard of what this young boy must become. As men, we must fight to be in the lives of our children. Whenever possible we must preserve the home. The ease at which we create fatherless homes has to be examined. There are instances when it not possible to be physically in the home, but that simply means that even greater effort must be given to ensuring that we are a part of our children's lives. That effort alone will speak volumes into their understanding of their identity and self-worth. It will play an immense role in developing a Christ-centered self-image. 

I must admit that I have struggled in the past with this, but we must not allow our past to dictate or define our future. Start today with a commitment to more involved. ~ Dr. Rick Wallace 

Additional Resources by Dr. Rick Wallace 

Books

1. The Invisible Father: Reversing the Curse of a Fatherless Generation

2. Renewing Your Mind: The Dynamics of Christian Transformation

3. Elevation through Revelation

4. When Your House is Not a Home

5. The Power of Healing Affirmations

Blogs

1. 100 Men of Purpose

2. Master Fitness 21

A Powerful Reminder of A FATHER'S Impact