Meeting the Standard of Biblical Manhood

There is no shortage of cultural criteria when it comes to defining what constitutes manhood in America. There are those that believe age is the primary determinant in assessing manhood. Then there are those cultural paradigms that present the belief that a male’s possession define him and establish his level of manhood. One of the most fallible assertions is the postulation that procreation somehow establishes and validates manhood.

The most common fallibility associated with these flawed standards of manhood is the fact they fail to effectively consider what the Bible has to say on the matter. Secular paradigms are highly vulnerable to the selfish proclivities associated with cosmic world views, meaning that manhood is often erroneously defined to meet the expectations of the group that is providing the definition.

For the Christian believer, the Word of God is the final word on all issues, and there is no better source to help define manhood as well as provide the guidance necessary for men to men grow into their design and purpose.

Get Your Family's Budget in Order

When I consider the whole of scripture, I am overwhelmed at the wealth of information that points toward the uncompromising standards that God has set for men and the distinctive roles that He has placed them in. There is one scripture that provides a lucid expression of manhood.

“But if anyone does not provide for his own, especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” (1 Tim. 5:8, NASB)

I have heard this scripture quoted quite often, but it is almost always quoted and viewed from a superficial perspective. What I mean by this is that most people see it as a call to be a financial provider and nothing more. Yes, the man is required to provide financial support for his family, but the provision that he is required to provide for his family extends far beyond finances. He is to provide security for his wife, identity and guidance for his children, comfort for the elders in the family and more. Ultimately, the man has to be capable of providing stability and guidance. He must be willing to lead his family in righteousness and effectiveness.

He must be capable of providing instruction through the conduit of God’s infallible Word. The Greek word translated “provide” in this passage is “pronoeo” which means to consider in advance, to make provisions beforehand. This is significant. In order for a man to effectively accomplish this he has to be seeking direction from God. He is required to meet the need before it becomes a need.

Dr. Rick Wallace

Something else that stands out to me is the phrase “especially those of his household.” This phrase points to two distinctive truths. The first truth is that a man’s home — and all in it — take priority over everything else. The second truth is that the man’s responsibility is not limited to only his home. The cultural paradigm and demands of this nation has shrank the family nucleus to only include the husband, wife and any children; however, this scriptural passage reveals that the family is much broader than that.

This is definitely not the only scriptural passage that engages the issue of biblical manhood, but it does shed significant light on the matter. It is clear that the Christian men in America have a great deal of work to do in this area. Now is the time to get to it. ~ Dr. Rick Wallace

Calling Men to Rise Up and Fulfill Their Design

Post by Bishop Rick Wallace.

Covenant Relationships are Horizontal, Too

In my talks last week, I dealt with personal relationships. I explained that these are in two directions, like the two beams of the cross. The vertical beam represents our personal relationship with God, the horizontal beam represents our relationship with our fellow man. 

Last week I explained that there is only one foundation on which anyone can build an enduring and permanent relationship with God, the foundation of covenant commitment. When a person make such a commitment to God, it opens the way for a deep, intimate, personal relationship with God which is analogous in the spiritual realm to the relationship which the covenant of marriage produces in the natural realm between a man and a woman. This relationship with God is on the vertical plane. 

Today, and for the rest of this week, I’m going to speak about the other kind of relationship, relationship on the horizontal plane, relationship with God’s people. 

I want to start by laying down a basic principle. The same covenant that brings us into relationship with God also brings us into relationship with God’s people. Thus relationship with God’s people also is based on covenant. This is a thing that we all need to understand. So many Christians have been blinded to this fact. The moment you enter into covenant relationship with God, necessarily you must be in covenant relationship with God’s people. You cannot relate to God on the basis of covenant and refuse to relate to those who are related to God by the same covenant. Covenant relationships are always on two planes: vertical toward God, horizontal toward God’s people. 

I pointed out in previous talks that there is a law in the whole physical world that if the one beam of the cross is out of line then you know automatically that the other beam is out of line. Now this is true in this matter of covenant relationships. If our relationship with our fellow believers is out of line, then the vertical beam, our relationship with God, also must be out of line. When one is out of line, the other is out of line. If you talk about being right with God but you do not have right relationships with your fellow believers, whether you know it or not, you are deceiving yourself. That’s an impossible situation. 

Now, I want to go back and look at the example in the book of Exodus where God entered into covenant with Israel. The words of God’s covenant approach to Israel are found in Exodus 19:5–6. This is what God told Moses to put before Israel: 

⁵ ‘Now then, if you will indeed obey My voice and keep My covenant, then you shall be My own possession among all the peoples, for all the earth is Mine; 
⁶ and you shall be to Me a kingdom of priests and a hold nation.’ (NAS) 

The new relationship which God here offered to Israel was based upon their keeping His covenant. It was the covenant that brought them into this distinctive relationship with God which set them apart from all other nations. It is important to understand that there was nothing especially holy about Israel before God made His covenant with them. What made them holy was His covenant and that is the only thing that can make a man or a people holy is covenant relationship with God. 

Thereafter, in the language of the Old Testament a careful distinction is maintained. Israel is called a “people.” All other ethnic groups are called “nations.” Often the word “Gentiles” is used. But the word “people” is reserved for Israel because to be a “people” an ethnic group has to have a covenant relationship with God. That’s what distinguishes a “people” from a mere “nation.” 

Now, as soon as Godhead entered into this covenant relationship with Israel, He immediately went on to describe to them in the following chapter how they would have to relate to one another as members of one covenant people. In other words, the relationship was not merely vertical with God but it was also horizontal with their fellow Israelites, those who were in the same covenant with God as they were. 

Now, in the New Testament, in 1 Peter 2:9–10, Peter, speaking to believers in Jesus Christ, and he actually quotes the words that God used to Israel in Exodus 19 and he applies the same principles. This is what he says: 

⁹But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; [You will notice that Peter is quoting the very words spoken by God to Israel in Exodus 19. Then Peter goes on to say:] 
¹⁰ for you once were not a people, but now you are the people of God; you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. (NAS) 

Notice, before they came into covenant with God through Jesus Christ, they were not a people but having come into covenant with God they became a people. This is true of Israel under the Old Testament, it’s true of the church of Jesus Christ under the New. What makes the church a people is our covenant relationship with God and the same covenant that relates us to God relates us to one another. And just like Israel under the Old Covenant so under the New Covenant we have specific obligations to one another as members of one covenant people. The Old Covenant was initiated at Sinai, the New Covenant was initiated at the Last Supper. We read these words in Matthew 26:28. Jesus said to His disciples as He offered them the cup at the end of the Last Supper: 

²⁸ “. . . this is My blood of the covenant . . . [and then He said:] Drink from it, all of you. . . .” (NAS) 

It was very important that each disciple shared the cup with Jesus but also in doing that they shared the cup with one another. In other words, the same symbolic covenant act that brought them into relationship with Jesus brought them into relationship, covenant relationship with one another. This is the lesson we have to see and take to heart. That if we claim a covenant relationship with Jesus through the blood of the New Covenant, that He shed on our behalf for the forgiveness of our sins, we cannot evade the responsibilities of a covenant relationship with all other believers. The covenant that brings us into relationship with Jesus brings us into relationship with one another and the outworking of our covenant includes our responsibilities toward our fellow believers just as much as our responsibilities toward Jesus Himself. 

Paul brings this out in 1 Corinthians 10:16–17, where he is speaking about the sacrament or the ordinance of the Lord’s Supper—or Communion or the Eucharist, whatever name we wish to give it—and he says this: 

¹⁶ Is not the cup of blessing which we bless a sharing in the blood of Christ? Is not the bread which we break a sharing in the body of Christ? 
¹⁷ Since there is one bread, we who are many are one body; for we all partake of the one bread. (NAS) 

You will notice the emphasis on the words “sharing” and “one.” Paul is saying that if you partake of that cup which is the blood of Jesus, then you are partaker with all others who partake of that cup. We are all brought into the relationship with one another of being members of one body. I want to drive this point home because so many Christians today are blind to it. The very same ordinance that brings you into relationship with Jesus necessarily brings you into relationship with all who believe in Jesus. You cannot claim the relationship with Jesus and deny the relationship with your fellow believer. 

We’ve seen last week in my talks on relationship with God, that covenant brings us into union with God. What I am saying now is that covenant likewise brings us into union with God’s people. The end purpose of covenant is union. 

There are two sides to this: First of all, we cannot have true union without covenant. I think events in the world today are a commentary on this. Men are talking about unity and union in so many areas but the truth of the matter is that there is no real union without covenant. It is a very interesting commentary on the history of the United States that the Hebrew name for the United States is artsoat habreet, which means “the lands of the covenant.” This name singles out the fact that the United States, nationally, is founded on a covenant and if you go back to the history when that covenant was formed, it is interesting that the first reason given for making that covenant was to achieve a “more perfect union” amongst the states. So we see that even in American history this fact emerges that if you want union it must be by way of covenant. There is no other basis for lasting union. But the other side of the coin is this: that if you are in covenant, you must be in union. You are deceiving yourself if you talk about covenant relationship but deny its implications of union with your fellow believers. 

Let me sum it up this way: always the product of covenant is union. And in the talks that I’ve been giving, you’ve seen it in three relationships: between God and the believer, between the husband and wife, and among God’s people. Everywhere there is covenant, if it works, the result is union.

Strong Father Equal Strong Daughters

"Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" Dr. Meg Meeker


A summary of Dr. Meg Meeker’s “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters”, a must read if you are a father of a daughter or daughters.

Strong Fathers. Strong Daughters. by Meg Meeker

Strong Fathers. Strong Daughters. by Meg Meeker

You are natural leaders, and your family looks to you for qualities that only fathers have. You were made a man for a reason, and your daughter is looking to you for guidance that she cannot get from her mother.

Chapter 1: You are the most important man in her life

· The great news is that in order to experience a richer life and a raise a fabulous daughter, you don’t need to change your character. You need only to indulge what is best in our character. You have everything you need for a better relationship with your daughter.

· 11.9% of girls will experienced forced intercourse

· 40.9% of girls fourteen to seventeen years old experience unwanted sex, primarily out of fear that their boyfriends will get angry

· 12.4% of African American females, 18.6% of Caucasian females, and 20.7% of Hispanic females have made suicide plans in the last year.

· 11.5% of females attempted suicide last year

· Be it good or painful, the hours and years you spend with her –or don’t spend with her—change who she is

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Chapter 2: She needs a hero

· Your daughter wants a hero –and she has chosen you.

·

FiFirst, you should know that she can’t survive without one (hero).

· Whatever outward impression she gives, her life is centered on discovering what you like in her, and what you want from her. She knows you are smarter than she is. She gives you authority because she needs you to love and adore her. She can’t feel good about herself until she knows that you feel good about her. So you need to use your authority carefully and wisely. Your daughter doesn’t want to see you as an equal. She wants you to be her hero, someone who is wiser and steadier and stronger than she is.

· The only way you will alienate your daughter in the long term is by losing her respect, failing to lead, or failing to protect her. If you don’t provide for her needs, she will find someone else who will –and that’s when trouble starts. Don’t let that happen.

· One of the best things fathers can do is raise their daughters’ expectations of life. That will directly affect how your daughter talks, how she dresses, how well she does in school, even what sports or musical instruments she chooses to play. You can help her set goals, help her define a higher purpose for her life, and as a result, her self-esteem will skyrocket. And it will bring you closer, because she’ll recognize you as a leader and an ally, helping her to chart a better course.

· If you don’t accept the authority that is naturally yours, if you don’t set high standards, if you don’t live a life of moral principle, your daughter will suffer

· It is a fundamental principle of human behavior that having an authority makes us feel good. Yes, all of us. While instinctively we want to buck it, when the sky falls in, we run to it. When confronted by any problem, any challenge, any mess that we can’t get ourselves, we want someone who has answers, someone who can offer support, someone who can offer a helping hand and who knows what to do.

· That’s what heroes do. They meet the deepest needs of the human heart.

· True masculinity is the moral exercise of authority. And your little girls need it.

· Make a plan. Your aspirations for your daughter will be clearest when she is young. When she’s an infant, you know with crystal clarity what you will expect from her: everything from what she will be allowed to say and do to whom she can date. Write it down now, and keep it clear in your mind and in hers. Teens love to tangle with your thinking. So have your rules inscribed like Ten Commandments –and stick to them.

· Have courage under fire. Keep your cool, but be form and consistent. In the best men, kindness, strength, and perseverance go together.

· Be the leader.

· Don’t cave, persevere. Heroes see a battle through until the end; they never run away. So stay in the fight, stay engaged with your daughter and your family, spend as much time at home as you can, stay consistent, loving, kind, and patient, and remember that you are more resilient than you daughter is.

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Chapter 3: You are her first love

· Your daughter yearns to secure your love, and throughout her life she’ll need you to prove it.

· You are her first love, so the early years of your relationship with her are crucial. The love you give her is her starting point. You have other loves in your life, but she doesn’t. Every man who enters her life will be compared to you; every relationship she has with a man will be filtered through her relationship with you. If you have a good relationship, she will choose boyfriends who treat her well. If she sees you as open and warm, she’ll be confident with other men. If you are cold and unaffectionate, she’ll find it hard to express love in a healthy way.

· Your daughter wants you to admire her deep, intrinsic qualities. Keep your comments positive, keep them on these qualities, and you can’t lose.

· You give her latitude to roam, but she is always under guard. When she is thirteen, some fences need to be reinforced –especially because she might try to break them. You can’t let her do that, because she’s still a kid. And because the boundaries make her feel loved.

· Daughters with a curfew know that someone wants them home and is probably waiting for them. Daughters without curfews wonder.

· Tell your teenagers that the boundaries you’ve erected aren’t about trust, but are about keeping them safe and moving them in the right direction. We have all the boundaries that we respect because life is safer that way.

· Because we want them to make good decisions, we assume they will. We want to believe our kids are stronger, more mature, and better capable of handling situations than other kids. And that’s when mistakes happen.

· But it is you attention she wants. Because she senses the strength and concern behind your silence. She senses that you are genuinely interested in what she has to say –and that makes a daughter feel significant, mature, self-confident, and loved.

· Daughters want their fathers to listen while they unravel their own tangled feelings and beliefs. If a daughter trusts her dad to listen, she will come to him again and again to talk.

· Listening is tough, particularly when the words don’t make sense and the ideas seem superfluous. But listen anyway. Sit down. Look her in the eye. Don’t let your mind wander. And you’ll be rewarded with a daughter’s trust, love, and affection.

· So you have to take the initiative to spend time alone with her.

· Many fathers are uncomfortable being alone with their daughters. One-on-one time can be tough. But if you start a daddy-daughter time when she’s young, it will bring you closer when she’s an adolescent. The rewards can be enormous. Daughters often say the most meaningful conversations of their lives were one-on-one with their dads.

· Your time with her matters.

· “If human love does not carry a man outside himself, it is not love. If love is always discreet, always wise, always sensible and calculating, never carried beyond itself, it is not love at all. It may be affection, it may be warmth of feeling, but it has not the true nature of love in it.” – Oswald Chambers

· Even the most perfect love requires an act of will. If it is to survive, it has to be nurtured, cared for, developed, and practiced. And it has to live in the real world. Real love is gritty. It sweats and waits, it causes you to hold your tongue when you want to scream obscenities in anger, and it causes many men to accomplish extraordinary feats.

· But love is voluntary. Your daughter cannot make you love her or think she is wonderful. She would do that if she could, but she can’t. How you love her, and when you show it, is within your control.

· Most parents pull away from their teenage daughters, assuming they need more space and freedom. Actually, your teenage daughter needs you more than ever. So stick with her. If you don’t, she’ll wonder why you left her.

· But always remember that the strength of your relationship can have a profound effect on preventing an eating disorder, curbing its progression, or healing your daughter if it catches hold.

· When you are with her, pay attention to her.

· Girls hate feeling invisible. Without your attention, they feel unloved and insecure. Don’t make the mistake of spending too little time or paying too little attention to your daughter. You could regret it the rest of your life.

· The one rule is that when the argument is over, it’s over. Don’t pick at it. End it, make up, and move on –all before the sun sets. And then take her out again.

· Your job is to secure her attachment to you, and you do that by spending time with her and listening.

· Do what you would do naturally, as a man: spend more time listening than talking.

· If you stay with her, look at her, listen to her, she’ll keep coming back for more. Her self-esteem will soar, her sense of loneliness will disappear, and she’ll become more comfortable expressing her feelings. Finally, because you, the most important man I n her life, obviously like being with her, she will feel more attractive. She’ll think boys who don’t want to be with her have a problem (because you’re smarter and more mature than they are). That’s a good attitude for her to have, and one that can protect her in the long run.

· Boundaries and fences are a must for girls, particularly during the teen years…. [T]he very fact that you thoughtfully and consistently enforce rules of behavior makes her feel loved and valued. Equally important, they train her to build boundaries for herself and teach her that such boundaries are necessary.

· Let her know that your standards are hers, and that she is to uphold them regardless of what her friends do.

· The discipline and standards, the fences and boundaries that you have integrated into her life will become her own.

· Remember that when you’re a kid, very small things can seem like very big ones. Dads are important to help daughters put things in perspective.

· Don’t hoard your wisdom, share it with her. Give it to her in pieces, when you think she’s ready for it, when it’s relevant to whatever she’s struggling with.

· Don’t comment frequently on how she looks.

· Don’t comment on your own need to diet.

· Don’t make derogatory comments about her body.

· Don’t comment frequently about her clothes.

o Still maintain standards for modesty.

· Don’t constantly focus on the importance of exercise.

· Don’t make her feel she needs to do things to get your attention.

· Think about the kind of dad you want to be. Sure, it will take hard work. But love isn’t just about feeling good. It’s about doing what you don’t want to do, over and over again, if it needs to be done, for the sake of someone else. Love is really about self-sacrifice.

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Chapter 4: Teach her humility

· But genuine humility is the starting point for every other virtue. Humility means having a proper perspective on ourselves, of seeing ourselves as we really are. It also means knowing that every person has equal worth.

· Teaching humility will demand more of you as a father than just speaking words. Humility must be modeled.

· Support and encouragement are important. But we need to be careful too. If all we do is bolster our daughter’s self-esteem we will leave them feeling frustrated… Humility is seeing ourselves honestly. It keeps us in the real world. Because we want our daughters to excel at everything they do, to be prettier, smarter, better than everyone else, we can confuse our priorities –and theirs.

· Keep her world larger than herself and her talents. Gently guide her to recognize her limitations. Let her fail. Let her know that you still love her when she fails. Let her know that she’s valuable not only for what she does, but for who she is. Here is your chance to teach her one of life’s greatest lessons: people are valuable because they’re human, not because of what they do.

· She knows that our worth is not in what we do, what we have, or what we are capable of being, but in the fact that we are human.

o People can’t feel superior over someone who refuses to feel inferior.

· Humility is the foundation of all healthy relationships. Humility keeps each party in a relationship respectful, honest, and relaxed. If your daughter lives with humility, she will discover who she is and what significance her life holds.

· God made us, so we have a place and a purpose, and He is willing to fill us with every good thing. All we have to do to escape the suffocating quarters of our own lives, to see ourselves with humility, is to recognize that we alone are not the source of all power, intellect, and talent.

· Humility teaches us rules and self restraint, that we’re part of a larger community and need to work together for the good of the whole. Humility teaches responsibility, and it teaches us to consider the needs of others. It tells us to look outward rather than focusing obsessively on ourselves and it reminds us that we aren’t the only ones who count.

· Fathers must set establish the priorities for their family or their children will.

o Daughters must realize that the family doesn’t orbit around them.

· You’re the dad. You should decide. You should set the priorities. When you bring realism in to her life, you bring her comfort because you bring limits. When you teach her always think about other people, to know that everyone is important, you’ll give her the gift of friendship and living life to the fullest as a caring, social being.

Chapter 5: Protect her, defend her (and use a shotgun if necessary)

· When it comes to your daughter, your sexual standards must be clear. It’s important because I cannot overemphasize enough the strong and seductive powers of the culture in which your daughter lives. The most aggressive campaign against your daughter’s emotional and physical health is directed at her sexuality. She relies on your defense against that campaign.

· As uncomfortable as you may feel thinking about (and talking about) sexual activity regarding your daughter, you have to. She needs to know the moral code you’ve for her.

· Conversations don’t have to be detailed discussions.

· She needs to know what the rules are and why.

· Protect her budding sexuality and defend her right to modesty.

· Institute a defense plan

· Let her know that you see her. Let her know she’s beautiful. Let her know that modesty is a form of respect –for herself, for you, and for what she expects from boys—and that she shouldn’t follow fashion trends and flaunt her sexuality just because other kids do.

· Tell her the point of your guidelines is not for her to be ashamed of her body, but to be respectful of it.

· Standing guard over your daughter’s sexuality is tough. It is nothing short of war. But teaching her that modesty is a strength and not a commodity of the prudish will pay off with enormous dividends.

· There is a solution to the problem of girls having sex too soon and with too many boys. The answer is: YOU. Fathers can ensure that their daughters grow up with healthy ideas about sexuality. You can guide her to make smart decisions about sex.

· The only person that can protect her is you.

· Teach self respect early

· When she dates, sweeps the garage.

o Every boy who dates your daughter needs to know that he is accountable to you.

o Many parents make the mistake of trying to stay in the background. Parents fear being controlling or overprotective

· Plan with her.

· Say something.

· Every model for Playboy is someone’s daughter. Don’t let it be yours. Protect her beautiful body as only you can. She may hate it in the short term, but when she is an adult she will thank you. And the thanks will come sooner than you think. Stay in the battle.

Chapter 6: Pragmatism and grit: two of your greatest assets

· Even God, the perfect father, has children who misbehave terribly

· My point is that fathers are often the ones who bring pragmatism and solutions to family discussions. Men see problems differently than women do. Women analyze and want to understand; men want to solve –they want to do something.

· Your daughter needs you to be that voice of pragmatism

· There are two types of women in the world: princesses and pioneer women. Princesses believe they deserve a better life and expect others to serve them. Pioneer women expect that any improvement in their lives will come through their own hard work; they are in charge of their own happiness.

· Your daughter’s attitude toward herself comes directly from you. Her expectations, her ambitions, and her assessment of her own capabilities all come from what you believe – what you say and what you do. As a father, you have to ask yourself what sort of woman you want your daughter to become.

· Princesses take. Princesses want more. Princesses demand. They expect perfection and lack pragmatism. They don’t act –except to tell others what they want. But pioneer women know that life is the way it is, and they rely on themselves to move forward.

· Understanding isn’t enough to overcome most of the problems girls encounter. Each girl must be challenged to act. She can’t wait for others, feel sorry for herself, and wallow in the pain of life. In order for her to find her way out, she must do something.

· When we think of masculine men, we (women at least) envision those with one overriding quality: a spine of steel. Nothing makes a woman’s heart melt like a man with courage and resolve. We admire men who are willing to risk their lives to help good triumph over evil and who have the moral wit to distinguish between the two. Masculinity means strength.

· Men must exercise the same grit they use at work at home. It shouldn’t be the place of quiet and solace. Grit is perseverance.

· Fathers help their daughters find solutions.

· Many of you men who are extraordinary at performing, thinking, reasoning at work come home exhausted, and all the skills you practice every day evaporate on the job evaporate once you come home. While grit keeps you moving forward at work, at home you may become a pushover or simply disengaged. Dads, you must have grit at home too. Home life requires just as much tenacious engagement as work does. So consciously spare some energy at work.

· Nowhere is your masculine strength and manly grit more needed than at home. The greatest difficulties, joys, and pains of life aren’t at your job, they’re with your family. Your masculinity either shines or loses its luster at home, and what you do there can be the difference between keeping a loving family together and watching it drift apart or crumble. You can’t maintain a good relationship with your wife or daughters if you’re never home. You can’t maintain a good relationship with your wife or daughters unless you’re there for them. I know you might not want o, but this where you need to show your grit. You need to stay ad listen and navigate female frustrations and hostility. We – daughters, mothers, and wives—need you to stay, to bring your courageous, goal oriented reason that provides solutions.

· Fathers must keep their families together for the sake of their daughters.

· Divorce is really the central problem that has created as generation of young adults who are at a higher risk for chaotic relationships, STD’s, and confusion about life’s purposes.

Chapter 7: Be the man you want her to marry

· Here’s another sobering thought: the man you see at the other end of the aisle will undoubtedly be a reflection of you –be that good or bad. It’s the way it is: women are drawn to what they know.

o You want him to be totally and faithfully committed to your daughter. You want him to be hard-working, compassionate, honest, and courageous. You want him to be a man who will protect your daughter and has integrity.

§ You need to be that man now.

§ You are the man who will teach your daughter about men.

Chapter 8: Teach her who God is

· Your daughter needs God. And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her. She wants to believe that there is more to life than what she sees with her eyes and hears with her ears. She wants to know that there exists someone who is smarter, more capable, and more loving than (even) you.

· Many girls feel rejected, abandoned, or even simply misunderstood for a period in their lives need to find security somewhere. So they look for something strong, loving, and secure to latch on to. Many turn to God. But if you don’t teach her who He is, then she will turn to things like sex, drugs, drinking, etc.

· During her early childhood, your daughter attaches easily to you if you provide enough warmth. As she moves into adolescence, she will begin to pull away from you to see what she can accomplish on her own. But she will still need an anchor while she ventures into new territory. When you’re not there as her anchor, she will need something else. If you want that anchor to be God, you must teach her about Him early.

· We must teach our daughters how to move forward after mistakes. This is what God offers her: forgiveness, a way to wipe away the past and go back to the starting line. We rarely use the word mercy, but it is a beautiful word. Your daughter needs to know it.

· You are not only the first man in your daughter’s life, you are the first authority figure in her life, and your character is invisibly overlaid onto your daughter’s image of God. If you are trustworthy, loving, and kind, your daughter will approach God more easily. He will not be frightening to her. She can understand that He is good, because she knows what goodness in a man looks like.

· When you change, she will. And when you love God for real, so, too will she. Nothing will bring you closer than this.

Chapter 9: Teach her to fight

· Because you need to understand that your daughter’s emotions are overflowing with impulses that, if acted upon, could lead her toward self destruction. Your job, as a man, as her father, is to help her keep her emotions in check.

· What’s true when she is a toddler is still true when she’s 16 or 17. She wants to do what she wants to (or what others tell her she should do), and she still has not fully developed her ability to think reasonably and abstractly.

· Don’t put her situations where her intense, complicated, and passionate feelings will be subjected to so much pressure –and especially don’t put her in these situations if you have not taught her to not give in to her impulses.

· Be her ally. Teach her that superficial women feel and respond. You want her to have emotional depth, intellectual wisdom, physical strength, and mental prowess. And none of that can be had without developing her mind and disciplining her will.

· Be savvy in choosing your battled. In general, if her food choices, her hairstyle, or her taste in music annoy you, you can let these go (unless they are part of a larger problem like an eating disorder or hanging out with a bad crowd). Save your energy for the bigger issues that you absolutely need to focus on: honesty, integrity, courage, and humility.

· Their minds are still maturing. You must be very clear about what you expect from your daughters.

· Too many choices and not enough guidance may make her feel unfocused and powerless.

Chapter 10: Keep her connected

· Parent connectedness is the single most important factor in your daughter’s life. Mothers and fathers who stay together and spend time with their children keep their daughters away from drugs, sex, alcohol, and points them to God.

· Can you connect with your daughter? Absolutely. Keep it simple. Make it part of your everyday life. Have her help you with chores, or take her out to the theater, or go on a mission trip with her, but whatever you do, focus on her. Tune in to her, listen to her, and don’t let work and its preoccupations distract you from your daughter. At the end of the day, she’s more important than anything else.
— 3 years ago
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10 Practical Ways to Love and Serve Your Wife

What are 10 practical ways to love and serve your wife?

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Brian Croft — 11 Comments ↓

Husbands, here is some very practical advice on ways to communicate love to your wife.  This is what I shared at the men’s luncheon on Monday at the Berean Baptist Church Marriage Conference and we had a great discussion about them.  Use them as a template to know how to best make your wife feel loved and cherished by you.

1)  Before you touch her body, touch her mind and heart.  This comes straight from the CJ Mahaney playbook and is the basis of the next 9 suggestions.  This idea comes from CJ’s excellent book, Sex, Romance, and the glory of God.

2) Sweat the small things.  It is common to say, “Do not sweat the small things.”  I disagree in this case.  Read this previous post and see why.

3)  Encourage her in areas she thinks she fails.  Your wife has them.  If you do not know what they are, start there and ask.

4)  Study her.  We study our sports teams, hobbies and home projects and know them well.  How much do you study to know your wife?

5)  Date her.  We have all heard this advice.  Just do it…regularly.

6)  Write words to her.  Cards, text messages, emails.  Write kind and encouraging words.  She may read them over and over again long after you have forgotten you even wrote them.

7)  Ask specific questions.  See this previous post for a common list I give our men.

8)  Be thoughtful.  Do things that she knows required some time and effort from you.

9)  Be patient.  She may not respond like you hope.  Make sure you are not loving your wife expecting something in return.

10)  Pray for her.  Maybe the most significant way your wife will feel loved by you.

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Christian Men, How Dare You? by Pastor Mark Driscoll

How Far Is Too Far?

May 16, 2013 

singleness and dating

by Tim Challies

Everyone has had to ask or answer the question at one time or another: When it comes to the physical component of a dating relationship, how far is too far? Can we hold hands? Can we kiss? Can we do a little bit more than kiss? Should we even explore the physical relationship a little bit to ensure we are compatible?

I am accustomed to giving the easy answer: “It’s not about how far can we go, but how holy we can be. You are asking all the wrong questions!” That may make me feel smart and a little bit godly, but it’s not exactly a satisfying or helpful answer.

In their book Sex, Dating, and Relationships: A Fresh Approach, Gerald Hiestand and Jay Thomas offer an answer. They are aware of the long history of legalistic answers and the many slippery slope or fear-based approaches that have more to do with avoiding sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancies than pursuing holiness. They do not want to create a new law, but draw out an implication of the deepest meaning of marriage. They are convinced that the Bible offers us exactly the answer we are looking for. How far is too far? “Contrary to popular opinion, the Bible does speak with clarity—objective clarity—about what is physically appropriate between an unmarried man and woman in a pre-marriage relationship.”

They premise their answer on the fact that the marriage relationship, and hence the sexual relationship, is meant to be a portrait of the relationship of Christ and his church. (Click here to read about the gospel and marriage.) In that way they begin not with law but with gospel.

The authors say there are three God-ordained categories of male-female relationships and believe “understanding these distinct categories is the key to overcoming much of the subjectivity surrounding sexual propriety, helping us to build proper boundaries of sexual expression.”

The Family Relationship. God’s guidelines for sexual expression between blood relatives evolved over time. Adam’s children had no choice but to have a sexual relationship with a sibling, but when God gave the Old Testament law he forbade any kind of incestuous relationship. While the reasons for God’s ban are not made clear to us, the command is: “no sexual activity is to occur between blood relatives.”

The Marriage Relationship. A second category of male-female relationship is the marriage relationship and here God commands that there must be sexual relations (see 1 Corinthians 7:3-5). There are at least two reasons: a healthy sexual relationship guards against infidelity and, more importantly, “the physical oneness that results from sex between a husband and wife is an image of the spiritual oneness that results from our union with Christ.” Sex is a necessary component of the deepest meaning of the marriage relationship.

The Neighbor Relationship. The third category is the neighbor relationship. This category uses the term “neighbor” as Jesus did, to include all those who are not blood relatives and not a spouse. “And it is here the Bible resolves for us much of the ambiguity regarding sexual purity between unmarried men and women.” The authors look to 1 Corinthians 7:7-9 to show how Paul states without ambiguity that “the marriage relationship is the only legitimate context for sexual relations” for if a person has strong sexual desire, he or she is to marry rather than succumb to sin. “What is plainly stated here in this passage is the assumed standard of sexual propriety seen throughout both the Old and New Testaments. Thus, the Bible’s perspective on sexual purity within the neighbor relationship can be detailed as follows: sexual relations are prohibited.”

At this point I think most of us will agree. The Bible teaches there must be sexual relations between a husband and wife and there must not be sexual relations between anyone except a husband and wife.

Too often we limit our understanding of sexual relations to only sexual intercourse.

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But a question remains: What constitutes sexual relations? What exactly can a boyfriend and girlfriend or an engaged couple do in that pre-marriage state? The authors say, “Too often we limit our understanding of sexual relations to only sexual intercourse. But is such a narrow understanding of sexual relations legitimate?”

There is little doubt that some activities constitute sexual activity. Once clothes are removed and genitals are fondled, it is clear we are into the realm of sexual activity and, therefore, beyond what is acceptable outside of marriage. But what about kissing? Isn’t this what Christian couples really want to know? They want to know whether they can kiss. And whether they can reallykiss, whether they can kiss passionately. “Answering the kissing question is not as difficult as one might think. Clearly some forms of kissing are nonsexual; we kiss our children and our mothers. But there are some forms of kissing that we reserve exclusively for our wives. And the reason we do so is precisely that those forms of kissing are sexual.”

Considering an activity against the backdrop of the family relationship is immeasurably helpful in clearing up nearly all of the confusion surrounding the question, “How far is too far?” If a man would not feel comfortable engaging in a particular action with his sister because doing so would be sexually inappropriate, then that action is of a sexual nature and is to be reserved for the marriage relationship.

Thus passionate kissing, the kind clearly inappropriate between a brother and sister should be resolved for marriage. 1 Timothy 5:2 appears to back up the authors’ point by explicitly tying together “the familial treatment of the opposite sex with absolute purity,” instructing Timothy to treat “older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.” In other words, Paul tells Timothy to treat women who are not his wife in the same way he would treat his own sister. Would you kiss your sister on the cheek when you say goodbye? Then kiss your girlfriend on the cheek when you say goodbye. Would you give your sister a long and passionate kiss before you walk away? Of course not, so don’t kiss your girlfriend that way either.

Where so many people today err is in creating a category that fits somewhere between the neighbor relationship and the marriage relationship and this is exactly where the authors want to challenge the reader. “As far as God is concerned, all unmarried people are bound to the standards of purity he has defined in the neighbor relationship … We are not sanctioned to invent a new category of male-female relationships, only to remove ourselves from God’s guidelines in the process.” If she isn’t your wife and she isn’t a blood relative, she is your neighbor. If he isn’t your husband and he isn’t a blood relative, he is your neighbor and needs to be treated as such.

In short:

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1. Sexual relations are to be reserved for the marriage relationship.
2. There’s more to sexual relations than sexual intercourse.
3. Any activity that is sexual in nature must be reserved for the marriage relationship.
4. Some forms of kissing are sexual in nature.
5. Sexual forms of kissing must be reserved for the marriage relationship.

As I considered the authors’ perspective I noted my changing perspective on this issue. When I was a young man pursuing a wife, I wanted license. I wanted to convince myself that I could go far beyond what my conscience was screaming. Now that I am a little bit older and have children who are marching toward the age where they will begin to form relationships, I am very eager to adopt a position like this one (and, more urgently, to have my children adopt it!). I continue to ponder it, but have initially found it consistent with biblical principles and appreciate that it brings objective biblical truth to bear instead of relying on cultural norms or personal preferences.

What do you think of the authors’ take on the question?

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