Strong Father Equal Strong Daughters

"Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" Dr. Meg Meeker


A summary of Dr. Meg Meeker’s “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters”, a must read if you are a father of a daughter or daughters.

Strong Fathers. Strong Daughters. by Meg Meeker

Strong Fathers. Strong Daughters. by Meg Meeker

You are natural leaders, and your family looks to you for qualities that only fathers have. You were made a man for a reason, and your daughter is looking to you for guidance that she cannot get from her mother.

Chapter 1: You are the most important man in her life

· The great news is that in order to experience a richer life and a raise a fabulous daughter, you don’t need to change your character. You need only to indulge what is best in our character. You have everything you need for a better relationship with your daughter.

· 11.9% of girls will experienced forced intercourse

· 40.9% of girls fourteen to seventeen years old experience unwanted sex, primarily out of fear that their boyfriends will get angry

· 12.4% of African American females, 18.6% of Caucasian females, and 20.7% of Hispanic females have made suicide plans in the last year.

· 11.5% of females attempted suicide last year

· Be it good or painful, the hours and years you spend with her –or don’t spend with her—change who she is

____________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 2: She needs a hero

· Your daughter wants a hero –and she has chosen you.

·

FiFirst, you should know that she can’t survive without one (hero).

· Whatever outward impression she gives, her life is centered on discovering what you like in her, and what you want from her. She knows you are smarter than she is. She gives you authority because she needs you to love and adore her. She can’t feel good about herself until she knows that you feel good about her. So you need to use your authority carefully and wisely. Your daughter doesn’t want to see you as an equal. She wants you to be her hero, someone who is wiser and steadier and stronger than she is.

· The only way you will alienate your daughter in the long term is by losing her respect, failing to lead, or failing to protect her. If you don’t provide for her needs, she will find someone else who will –and that’s when trouble starts. Don’t let that happen.

· One of the best things fathers can do is raise their daughters’ expectations of life. That will directly affect how your daughter talks, how she dresses, how well she does in school, even what sports or musical instruments she chooses to play. You can help her set goals, help her define a higher purpose for her life, and as a result, her self-esteem will skyrocket. And it will bring you closer, because she’ll recognize you as a leader and an ally, helping her to chart a better course.

· If you don’t accept the authority that is naturally yours, if you don’t set high standards, if you don’t live a life of moral principle, your daughter will suffer

· It is a fundamental principle of human behavior that having an authority makes us feel good. Yes, all of us. While instinctively we want to buck it, when the sky falls in, we run to it. When confronted by any problem, any challenge, any mess that we can’t get ourselves, we want someone who has answers, someone who can offer support, someone who can offer a helping hand and who knows what to do.

· That’s what heroes do. They meet the deepest needs of the human heart.

· True masculinity is the moral exercise of authority. And your little girls need it.

· Make a plan. Your aspirations for your daughter will be clearest when she is young. When she’s an infant, you know with crystal clarity what you will expect from her: everything from what she will be allowed to say and do to whom she can date. Write it down now, and keep it clear in your mind and in hers. Teens love to tangle with your thinking. So have your rules inscribed like Ten Commandments –and stick to them.

· Have courage under fire. Keep your cool, but be form and consistent. In the best men, kindness, strength, and perseverance go together.

· Be the leader.

· Don’t cave, persevere. Heroes see a battle through until the end; they never run away. So stay in the fight, stay engaged with your daughter and your family, spend as much time at home as you can, stay consistent, loving, kind, and patient, and remember that you are more resilient than you daughter is.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 3: You are her first love

· Your daughter yearns to secure your love, and throughout her life she’ll need you to prove it.

· You are her first love, so the early years of your relationship with her are crucial. The love you give her is her starting point. You have other loves in your life, but she doesn’t. Every man who enters her life will be compared to you; every relationship she has with a man will be filtered through her relationship with you. If you have a good relationship, she will choose boyfriends who treat her well. If she sees you as open and warm, she’ll be confident with other men. If you are cold and unaffectionate, she’ll find it hard to express love in a healthy way.

· Your daughter wants you to admire her deep, intrinsic qualities. Keep your comments positive, keep them on these qualities, and you can’t lose.

· You give her latitude to roam, but she is always under guard. When she is thirteen, some fences need to be reinforced –especially because she might try to break them. You can’t let her do that, because she’s still a kid. And because the boundaries make her feel loved.

· Daughters with a curfew know that someone wants them home and is probably waiting for them. Daughters without curfews wonder.

· Tell your teenagers that the boundaries you’ve erected aren’t about trust, but are about keeping them safe and moving them in the right direction. We have all the boundaries that we respect because life is safer that way.

· Because we want them to make good decisions, we assume they will. We want to believe our kids are stronger, more mature, and better capable of handling situations than other kids. And that’s when mistakes happen.

· But it is you attention she wants. Because she senses the strength and concern behind your silence. She senses that you are genuinely interested in what she has to say –and that makes a daughter feel significant, mature, self-confident, and loved.

· Daughters want their fathers to listen while they unravel their own tangled feelings and beliefs. If a daughter trusts her dad to listen, she will come to him again and again to talk.

· Listening is tough, particularly when the words don’t make sense and the ideas seem superfluous. But listen anyway. Sit down. Look her in the eye. Don’t let your mind wander. And you’ll be rewarded with a daughter’s trust, love, and affection.

· So you have to take the initiative to spend time alone with her.

· Many fathers are uncomfortable being alone with their daughters. One-on-one time can be tough. But if you start a daddy-daughter time when she’s young, it will bring you closer when she’s an adolescent. The rewards can be enormous. Daughters often say the most meaningful conversations of their lives were one-on-one with their dads.

· Your time with her matters.

· “If human love does not carry a man outside himself, it is not love. If love is always discreet, always wise, always sensible and calculating, never carried beyond itself, it is not love at all. It may be affection, it may be warmth of feeling, but it has not the true nature of love in it.” – Oswald Chambers

· Even the most perfect love requires an act of will. If it is to survive, it has to be nurtured, cared for, developed, and practiced. And it has to live in the real world. Real love is gritty. It sweats and waits, it causes you to hold your tongue when you want to scream obscenities in anger, and it causes many men to accomplish extraordinary feats.

· But love is voluntary. Your daughter cannot make you love her or think she is wonderful. She would do that if she could, but she can’t. How you love her, and when you show it, is within your control.

· Most parents pull away from their teenage daughters, assuming they need more space and freedom. Actually, your teenage daughter needs you more than ever. So stick with her. If you don’t, she’ll wonder why you left her.

· But always remember that the strength of your relationship can have a profound effect on preventing an eating disorder, curbing its progression, or healing your daughter if it catches hold.

· When you are with her, pay attention to her.

· Girls hate feeling invisible. Without your attention, they feel unloved and insecure. Don’t make the mistake of spending too little time or paying too little attention to your daughter. You could regret it the rest of your life.

· The one rule is that when the argument is over, it’s over. Don’t pick at it. End it, make up, and move on –all before the sun sets. And then take her out again.

· Your job is to secure her attachment to you, and you do that by spending time with her and listening.

· Do what you would do naturally, as a man: spend more time listening than talking.

· If you stay with her, look at her, listen to her, she’ll keep coming back for more. Her self-esteem will soar, her sense of loneliness will disappear, and she’ll become more comfortable expressing her feelings. Finally, because you, the most important man I n her life, obviously like being with her, she will feel more attractive. She’ll think boys who don’t want to be with her have a problem (because you’re smarter and more mature than they are). That’s a good attitude for her to have, and one that can protect her in the long run.

· Boundaries and fences are a must for girls, particularly during the teen years…. [T]he very fact that you thoughtfully and consistently enforce rules of behavior makes her feel loved and valued. Equally important, they train her to build boundaries for herself and teach her that such boundaries are necessary.

· Let her know that your standards are hers, and that she is to uphold them regardless of what her friends do.

· The discipline and standards, the fences and boundaries that you have integrated into her life will become her own.

· Remember that when you’re a kid, very small things can seem like very big ones. Dads are important to help daughters put things in perspective.

· Don’t hoard your wisdom, share it with her. Give it to her in pieces, when you think she’s ready for it, when it’s relevant to whatever she’s struggling with.

· Don’t comment frequently on how she looks.

· Don’t comment on your own need to diet.

· Don’t make derogatory comments about her body.

· Don’t comment frequently about her clothes.

o Still maintain standards for modesty.

· Don’t constantly focus on the importance of exercise.

· Don’t make her feel she needs to do things to get your attention.

· Think about the kind of dad you want to be. Sure, it will take hard work. But love isn’t just about feeling good. It’s about doing what you don’t want to do, over and over again, if it needs to be done, for the sake of someone else. Love is really about self-sacrifice.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 4: Teach her humility

· But genuine humility is the starting point for every other virtue. Humility means having a proper perspective on ourselves, of seeing ourselves as we really are. It also means knowing that every person has equal worth.

· Teaching humility will demand more of you as a father than just speaking words. Humility must be modeled.

· Support and encouragement are important. But we need to be careful too. If all we do is bolster our daughter’s self-esteem we will leave them feeling frustrated… Humility is seeing ourselves honestly. It keeps us in the real world. Because we want our daughters to excel at everything they do, to be prettier, smarter, better than everyone else, we can confuse our priorities –and theirs.

· Keep her world larger than herself and her talents. Gently guide her to recognize her limitations. Let her fail. Let her know that you still love her when she fails. Let her know that she’s valuable not only for what she does, but for who she is. Here is your chance to teach her one of life’s greatest lessons: people are valuable because they’re human, not because of what they do.

· She knows that our worth is not in what we do, what we have, or what we are capable of being, but in the fact that we are human.

o People can’t feel superior over someone who refuses to feel inferior.

· Humility is the foundation of all healthy relationships. Humility keeps each party in a relationship respectful, honest, and relaxed. If your daughter lives with humility, she will discover who she is and what significance her life holds.

· God made us, so we have a place and a purpose, and He is willing to fill us with every good thing. All we have to do to escape the suffocating quarters of our own lives, to see ourselves with humility, is to recognize that we alone are not the source of all power, intellect, and talent.

· Humility teaches us rules and self restraint, that we’re part of a larger community and need to work together for the good of the whole. Humility teaches responsibility, and it teaches us to consider the needs of others. It tells us to look outward rather than focusing obsessively on ourselves and it reminds us that we aren’t the only ones who count.

· Fathers must set establish the priorities for their family or their children will.

o Daughters must realize that the family doesn’t orbit around them.

· You’re the dad. You should decide. You should set the priorities. When you bring realism in to her life, you bring her comfort because you bring limits. When you teach her always think about other people, to know that everyone is important, you’ll give her the gift of friendship and living life to the fullest as a caring, social being.

Chapter 5: Protect her, defend her (and use a shotgun if necessary)

· When it comes to your daughter, your sexual standards must be clear. It’s important because I cannot overemphasize enough the strong and seductive powers of the culture in which your daughter lives. The most aggressive campaign against your daughter’s emotional and physical health is directed at her sexuality. She relies on your defense against that campaign.

· As uncomfortable as you may feel thinking about (and talking about) sexual activity regarding your daughter, you have to. She needs to know the moral code you’ve for her.

· Conversations don’t have to be detailed discussions.

· She needs to know what the rules are and why.

· Protect her budding sexuality and defend her right to modesty.

· Institute a defense plan

· Let her know that you see her. Let her know she’s beautiful. Let her know that modesty is a form of respect –for herself, for you, and for what she expects from boys—and that she shouldn’t follow fashion trends and flaunt her sexuality just because other kids do.

· Tell her the point of your guidelines is not for her to be ashamed of her body, but to be respectful of it.

· Standing guard over your daughter’s sexuality is tough. It is nothing short of war. But teaching her that modesty is a strength and not a commodity of the prudish will pay off with enormous dividends.

· There is a solution to the problem of girls having sex too soon and with too many boys. The answer is: YOU. Fathers can ensure that their daughters grow up with healthy ideas about sexuality. You can guide her to make smart decisions about sex.

· The only person that can protect her is you.

· Teach self respect early

· When she dates, sweeps the garage.

o Every boy who dates your daughter needs to know that he is accountable to you.

o Many parents make the mistake of trying to stay in the background. Parents fear being controlling or overprotective

· Plan with her.

· Say something.

· Every model for Playboy is someone’s daughter. Don’t let it be yours. Protect her beautiful body as only you can. She may hate it in the short term, but when she is an adult she will thank you. And the thanks will come sooner than you think. Stay in the battle.

Chapter 6: Pragmatism and grit: two of your greatest assets

· Even God, the perfect father, has children who misbehave terribly

· My point is that fathers are often the ones who bring pragmatism and solutions to family discussions. Men see problems differently than women do. Women analyze and want to understand; men want to solve –they want to do something.

· Your daughter needs you to be that voice of pragmatism

· There are two types of women in the world: princesses and pioneer women. Princesses believe they deserve a better life and expect others to serve them. Pioneer women expect that any improvement in their lives will come through their own hard work; they are in charge of their own happiness.

· Your daughter’s attitude toward herself comes directly from you. Her expectations, her ambitions, and her assessment of her own capabilities all come from what you believe – what you say and what you do. As a father, you have to ask yourself what sort of woman you want your daughter to become.

· Princesses take. Princesses want more. Princesses demand. They expect perfection and lack pragmatism. They don’t act –except to tell others what they want. But pioneer women know that life is the way it is, and they rely on themselves to move forward.

· Understanding isn’t enough to overcome most of the problems girls encounter. Each girl must be challenged to act. She can’t wait for others, feel sorry for herself, and wallow in the pain of life. In order for her to find her way out, she must do something.

· When we think of masculine men, we (women at least) envision those with one overriding quality: a spine of steel. Nothing makes a woman’s heart melt like a man with courage and resolve. We admire men who are willing to risk their lives to help good triumph over evil and who have the moral wit to distinguish between the two. Masculinity means strength.

· Men must exercise the same grit they use at work at home. It shouldn’t be the place of quiet and solace. Grit is perseverance.

· Fathers help their daughters find solutions.

· Many of you men who are extraordinary at performing, thinking, reasoning at work come home exhausted, and all the skills you practice every day evaporate on the job evaporate once you come home. While grit keeps you moving forward at work, at home you may become a pushover or simply disengaged. Dads, you must have grit at home too. Home life requires just as much tenacious engagement as work does. So consciously spare some energy at work.

· Nowhere is your masculine strength and manly grit more needed than at home. The greatest difficulties, joys, and pains of life aren’t at your job, they’re with your family. Your masculinity either shines or loses its luster at home, and what you do there can be the difference between keeping a loving family together and watching it drift apart or crumble. You can’t maintain a good relationship with your wife or daughters if you’re never home. You can’t maintain a good relationship with your wife or daughters unless you’re there for them. I know you might not want o, but this where you need to show your grit. You need to stay ad listen and navigate female frustrations and hostility. We – daughters, mothers, and wives—need you to stay, to bring your courageous, goal oriented reason that provides solutions.

· Fathers must keep their families together for the sake of their daughters.

· Divorce is really the central problem that has created as generation of young adults who are at a higher risk for chaotic relationships, STD’s, and confusion about life’s purposes.

Chapter 7: Be the man you want her to marry

· Here’s another sobering thought: the man you see at the other end of the aisle will undoubtedly be a reflection of you –be that good or bad. It’s the way it is: women are drawn to what they know.

o You want him to be totally and faithfully committed to your daughter. You want him to be hard-working, compassionate, honest, and courageous. You want him to be a man who will protect your daughter and has integrity.

§ You need to be that man now.

§ You are the man who will teach your daughter about men.

Chapter 8: Teach her who God is

· Your daughter needs God. And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her. She wants to believe that there is more to life than what she sees with her eyes and hears with her ears. She wants to know that there exists someone who is smarter, more capable, and more loving than (even) you.

· Many girls feel rejected, abandoned, or even simply misunderstood for a period in their lives need to find security somewhere. So they look for something strong, loving, and secure to latch on to. Many turn to God. But if you don’t teach her who He is, then she will turn to things like sex, drugs, drinking, etc.

· During her early childhood, your daughter attaches easily to you if you provide enough warmth. As she moves into adolescence, she will begin to pull away from you to see what she can accomplish on her own. But she will still need an anchor while she ventures into new territory. When you’re not there as her anchor, she will need something else. If you want that anchor to be God, you must teach her about Him early.

· We must teach our daughters how to move forward after mistakes. This is what God offers her: forgiveness, a way to wipe away the past and go back to the starting line. We rarely use the word mercy, but it is a beautiful word. Your daughter needs to know it.

· You are not only the first man in your daughter’s life, you are the first authority figure in her life, and your character is invisibly overlaid onto your daughter’s image of God. If you are trustworthy, loving, and kind, your daughter will approach God more easily. He will not be frightening to her. She can understand that He is good, because she knows what goodness in a man looks like.

· When you change, she will. And when you love God for real, so, too will she. Nothing will bring you closer than this.

Chapter 9: Teach her to fight

· Because you need to understand that your daughter’s emotions are overflowing with impulses that, if acted upon, could lead her toward self destruction. Your job, as a man, as her father, is to help her keep her emotions in check.

· What’s true when she is a toddler is still true when she’s 16 or 17. She wants to do what she wants to (or what others tell her she should do), and she still has not fully developed her ability to think reasonably and abstractly.

· Don’t put her situations where her intense, complicated, and passionate feelings will be subjected to so much pressure –and especially don’t put her in these situations if you have not taught her to not give in to her impulses.

· Be her ally. Teach her that superficial women feel and respond. You want her to have emotional depth, intellectual wisdom, physical strength, and mental prowess. And none of that can be had without developing her mind and disciplining her will.

· Be savvy in choosing your battled. In general, if her food choices, her hairstyle, or her taste in music annoy you, you can let these go (unless they are part of a larger problem like an eating disorder or hanging out with a bad crowd). Save your energy for the bigger issues that you absolutely need to focus on: honesty, integrity, courage, and humility.

· Their minds are still maturing. You must be very clear about what you expect from your daughters.

· Too many choices and not enough guidance may make her feel unfocused and powerless.

Chapter 10: Keep her connected

· Parent connectedness is the single most important factor in your daughter’s life. Mothers and fathers who stay together and spend time with their children keep their daughters away from drugs, sex, alcohol, and points them to God.

· Can you connect with your daughter? Absolutely. Keep it simple. Make it part of your everyday life. Have her help you with chores, or take her out to the theater, or go on a mission trip with her, but whatever you do, focus on her. Tune in to her, listen to her, and don’t let work and its preoccupations distract you from your daughter. At the end of the day, she’s more important than anything else.
— 3 years ago
Previous / Next →